Feelings of grief come and go. Sometimes they surprise me when they return after a period of joy and relative peace. Grief hit me smack in the face on Monday morning. The past few months have been full of reasons for grieving, I think I’m in a season of it. There have been deaths (loved ones of all ages, from a baby 2 days old to a grandfather who was almost 103 years old), senseless violence, life threatening illnesses, deployments, and many other horrible heartbreaking things. It seems like it is all around me, happening to those I love and many people close to me.
But life goes on and blessings abound. Flowers are blooming, and I love flowers (Hello bluebonnets!). Grass is turning green. I got used to feeling good again. Then WHAMMO! That ugly grief thing reared its head. Monday morning I was hit by an overwhelming sense that I wanted to talk to my husband face to face, for more than five minutes, and in person. This is the husband who has been in Iraq for about 5 months. R&R isn’t for another 93 days or so, give or take. There has been so much going on that I can’t just type it all in an email. Goodness knows that I love Skype and how it has blessed my family. But it isn’t enough sometimes, especially when those conversations happen right before MDH gets out of or into bed. We are constrained by his requirement to get to a meeting or his need for every precious minute of sleep he can get (not to mention the little ones sitting on my lap trying to get their face time with daddy).
I was bummed all day Monday and into Tuesday. Tuesday is my PWOC day. I found it very difficult to get ready on time and had been in tears at least once that morning. I finally made it in the car and was trying to obey the speed limit on post and still be on time for our program. The clouds and fierce winds outside reflected my mood on the inside, gloomy, fitful, sad. As I came around a big corner, the clouds opened up for a brief moment. A big shaft of morning sunlight pierced the clouds and beamed directly towards the side of my car and lit up my face. It felt like a big spot light aimed at me in my car. It made me laugh out loud.
During my last study we had been learning about “God’s Love in 3-D”. One of the lessons encouraged us to find ways that God was speaking directly to us. So I knew that this blast of sunlight was coming directly from Him. He made the sun, after all, and moves the clouds where and when He wants to. He was sending me a message. This is my interpretation of it:
“Hey you, sad daughter of mine, Rachel! I am here!
I AM here! Always, even it’s behind the clouds. I love you. I think you are special.
I moved these clouds just for you, just for this instant to remind you how big I am and how much you mean to me.”
Then I arrived at our chapel where I was surrounded by my fellow sisters in Christ who further blessed and encouraged me. God is good and He is faithful. He is our help in a very present trouble. If you are grieving, or in the midst of deployment, or just in the throws of your busy life, please be encouraged to look for ways that God is revealing Himself to you. He loves you in a very real and personal way.
Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see the works of the Lord,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [fn2] with fire.
10 “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
