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Journey of Transformation, Part 23

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

May 202010

Clash of the Specialists

It was November 2001 when I landed in the dermatologist’s office. Dr. Honl was kind, compassionate, professional, and deeply concerned about me. Days later I ended up in the rheumatologist’s office. Dr. Linney (name has been changed) wasn’t so concerned.

The battle of the specialists began.

The first time I visited Dr. Honl she carefully examined my skin. When she noticed my shins she asked, “Do you ever use lotion?” I replied, “Yes, but it takes too much energy to get down there and apply it. I don’t do it often.” The skin looked dry and scaly, almost with a marbled, shiny appearance.

She looked at my fingers and toes. Apparently the ulcers that were forming on the bottoms of my big toes did so because circulation was lacking. The Raynaud’s Syndrome was kicking in more and my hands and feet often turned purple. It was hard to keep them warm. The calcifications and burning sensations on my knuckles and finger tips definitely suggested a serious autoimmune problem.

After assessing me completely Dr. Honl announced, “I think you have a connective tissue disease called dermatomyositis. The skin lesions and muscle weakness are consistent with that.” I told her that other doctors stood firm on the diagnosis of lupus. She was certain that these new eruptions were not signs of lupus although there could possibly be some lupus mixed in. Was she correct?

An official diagnosis had to come from a rheumatologist – a specialist who deals with autoimmune diseases. I’d been here before. The rheumatologist I saw in Bowling Green, Kentucky, who seemed more interested in collecting his fees than he was in helping me, was the guy who gave the “official” lupus diagnosis. But now maybe I would have a doctor who would exert some effort in nailing down this mysterious disease process.

Tri Care assigned me to a rheumatologist named Dr. Linney who happened to be the same one my sister saw. Some doctors are better than others and both of us struck out with this one. After examining me he affirmed the standing diagnosis, “You have lupus.” I said, “Dr. Honl, my dermatologist, thinks that I show definite signs of dermatomyositis.” How did he respond?

Dr. Linney’s cold demeanor nearly made me shiver. There wasn’t a hint of warmth or concern in his expression. With a determined arrogance he refused to give Dr. Honl’s diagnosis a second glance. Something was wrong. I sensed in my spirit that this guy was putting his pride before his patient. It was clear to me that he stood firm on his opinion because he couldn’t handle conceding to a dermatologist – a female dermatologist at that. After all, he was the big rheumatologist and he had to be right! But was he?

Power and control. That’s what it was all about. Where did that leave me? I revisited my Merck Manual and read about dermatomyositis. It sounded scary. It could put me in wheelchair. It could take my life. But for the time being, lupus reigned.

A year from this point I finally would have the right answers, but until that time God had more things in store for me – a visit with a naturopathic physician was on the horizon.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Through life’s uncertainties I have learned to lean on Christ. If I never had any problems, if I got all the answers I wanted, and if everyone agreed and got along . . . I’d be living in Pleasantville where everything is black and white. Boring! I want color! I want vibrancy! I want to live.

Regrettably, living involves pain. Living involves unanswered questions. Living involves power struggles between people who won’t agree. Life is a big mystery held in the hands of a big God who has something bigger in mind than we can comprehend. Trusting and waiting are hard, but they are what I must do.

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him (Isaiah 64:4).

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Life Happens – Jesus Answers is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

Journey of Transformation, Part 18

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Apr 152010

A Trip of Another Kind

August 2001 arrived and my parents came to Tennessee to visit. Dad planned to see his brother, my Uncle Wayne. Mom, being a former realtor, was interested in seeing homes in the area just for kicks. We didn’t have a spare bedroom so they stayed at the Best Western. Our little rented house had just enough room for me, Steve, and Bridgette.

Steve was expected to depart for Afghanistan so I rode back to Colorado with Mom and Dad following their brief visit. My sister Judy lived with them at the time. We were stunned when she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. How strange that both of us would be hit with autoimmune diseases at the same time. We distinctly remembered a conversation we’d had a year earlier. While sitting around with family in my parents’ living room we expressed sympathy over problems other people were having. We marveled, with gratitude, that our family didn’t have any major traumas up to that point.

Was there something wrong with having a grateful heart? Does gratitude breed affliction, suffering, and sorrow? It was as if our expressions of gratitude triggered some bizarre chain of events. Like we were being punished, or challenged, for being grateful. Did God perceive it as prideful? We weren’t proud. We were relieved. It felt like He couldn’t possibly let us slide by without problems – as if everyone had to endure hardship at some point. Were we not dedicated enough to Him? What in the world did we do wrong? We couldn’t figure out what was happening. The timing was strange.

Have you ever said something and wished you could take it back? That’s how I felt about my expressions of gratitude. Was it possible that in our hearts we believed we must have been doing something right in order to escape God’s chastisement? Was that so horrible? There was no judgment or condemnation toward the other people. There was no comparison. We just felt grateful. Did these afflictions even have anything to do with what we did or didn’t do? Or was it just part of God’s plan for our lives that happened to manifest itself at that particular time? Questions mounted but answers remained elusive. Clearly, I had a lot to learn about God and how He operates in our lives. Lessons would be learned as devastation increased.

One September morning I discovered a strange white spot on the ball of my left thumb. It couldn’t be squeezed like a pimple. Nothing would come out. It began to hurt. Mom, in all her wisdom, suggested that I put a poultice on it to draw out what appeared to be pus. It didn’t work. The pain increased and nothing could extinguish it. When it approached an intolerable level I announced to my dad that we better take a trip to the ER at the Air Force Academy.

What transpired that day was just the beginning of inexplicable misery to come.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

When you don’t know why something is happening and you feel like you’re being punished, cast your cares on Jesus. Get real. Get honest. Don’t be afraid of irreverence. He created you. He knows what’s in your heart already. Express it. He’s the only one you can safely unload your burdens on. He’s the only one who can do anything about your problem, and He has a reason for allowing it. Cry out to Him and let Him take you deeper into the realm of spiritual maturity and intimacy.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

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Journey of Transformation, Part 17

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Apr 082010

Spirit Message

When I discovered the bald spots on the back of my head I still had a red rash on my face, sensitivity to cold, numb fingers and toes, and swollen gums. Through the pregnancy and miscarriage none of these symptoms lifted. I merely took a detour that weakened my immune system further. The questions I posed to God about this trial wouldn’t be answered for years.

Not fully comprehending why all this was happening, I petitioned the Lord, “Father, I realize you’re allowing this trial for a reason because everything you bring into my life has purpose. I don’t know what’s in store, nor do I know how long it will last. Please let it last as long as necessary so I learn the lesson this time and don’t have to repeat it later.”

I didn’t pray that prayer expecting a response – at least not immediately. Yet I knew that in the process of walking this path the Lord would honor my request. I knew somehow I would persevere. I knew I would emerge a better person. But I was stunned to hear what the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, “It’ll last about five years.”

Whoa. Did that really just happen? I couldn’t recall a time when I’d received such a strong, clear message from the Spirit. I stood staring at the wall in my bathroom hesitating to believe what I’d heard was real. It came so far from left field that it had to be God. I wasn’t on medication. I wasn’t making it up. The message clearly came from the Spirit.

At the time I didn’t know how great a gift this message was. How often does God clue people in to the duration of their suffering? I’ve never heard another person share anything like that. Maybe they’re afraid people would accuse them of creating a story. Why would someone make it up? What would be the point?

I never shared my blessed revelation with anyone, but that wasn’t a conscious decision, I just didn’t think about it. This precious jewel from God was intended to be kept between the two of us, hidden in the recesses of my soul. It was a gift He planted deep within designed to see me through the darkness ahead.

In the coming months my symptoms held steady but I was too weary to cook or keep house. My primary care doctor had no real answers and the rheumatologist remained clueless. In late summer 2001 Steve was informed he’d be going to Afghanistan.

Okay, now that was a place I definitely couldn’t hitch a ride to. Was it time for another road trip? Where would I end up this time?

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade–kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:3-7

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Journey of Transformation, Part 16

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Mar 252010

A Shock in the Mirror

My visit with the rheumatologist in Bowling Green, Kentucky, is hardly worth mentioning. He was sorry to hear about my miscarriage, but he offered no relief from the lupus or hair loss. And his carelessness with prescriptions made me uneasy. If I had actually taken the Vioxx he tossed at me back in February, which typically is prescribed for rheumatoid arthritis and not lupus, I would have blamed myself and the medication for the miscarriage. No doubt I would have blamed the doctor too.

I see God’s grace in this.

My previous experience and knowledge with medications gave me the wisdom not to take the Vioxx. In subsequent years I saw law office television ads naming Vioxx as a villain in countless stories about horrific side effects. I had been spared unrelenting torment.

Soon June 2001 would be upon us and I had lost so much hair it looked sparse and straggly. To shield my waning self esteem from further humiliation I began wearing ball caps. When Steve returned from Fort Jackson he didn’t mention the condition of my hair and I wasn’t aware of its severity.

When Steve’s birthday arrived in late June I wanted to look pretty for him so I took time getting ready. It’s hard to believe that during all those months since February I hadn’t considered checking the back of my head.

Until that day.

I turned my back to the sink and held a mirror with my left hand while examining my hair with the right. Shock pulsated through my heart. I was transfixed. Anyone walking past would have thought I was a statue.

How could this be? Where there once was beautiful sandy blonde hair there now appeared three bald spots the size of golf balls. Steve entered the bathroom and I showed him the back of my head. He hadn’t noticed it before. Really?

I questioned, “What can I do? How can I cover the spots? I can’t wear a ball cap with a dress!” He suggested I try one of my summer hats. Although the idea sounded abhorrent it was either that or stay home.

I slowly walked into the bedroom to get a pair of earrings and the tears broke loose. As I reached for my jewelry pouch Steve came over to console me. With despair I cried, “I wanted to look pretty for you but I’m not pretty anymore.” He responded with a very male comment, “It’s okay. I don’t love you for your hair.”

I returned to the bathroom and struggled unsuccessfully to style the straggles. And even though the hat covered my scalp, it couldn’t erase the horrifying image I’d seen in the mirror. From my perspective the evening was marred by a new thing to grieve. Never before had I felt so ugly.

I began to wonder what all this was about. Why was it progressing? Was God punishing me? As far as I knew I wasn’t anymore sinful than any other Christian. I felt singled out. No other spouses in my military circles were enduring anything remotely close to this. Would I have to walk this road alone? How long would it last? How bad would it get?

Only God, and time, would tell.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Have you ever walked a path that seemed to have no clear direction? Did you feel as though you were suffering for nothing? During times when God brings perplexing circumstances into our lives it helps to adopt a God perspective or an eternal perspective. Remember that He sees things much differently and has a plan involving the entire universe.

An important question to ask during trials is, “Father, what can I learn from this?” Then wait for His answer.

In the meantime, read Isaiah 55; 1 Peter 4:12-19; and bury your face in the Psalms.

_____________________________

Journey of Transformation, Part 7

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jan 212010

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Confirmation and Concern

The first week of April 2001 Steve and I returned to Clarksville, Tennessee. Within days he headed west to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, for the last phase of school. Although friends invited me to stay with them, I chose to stay home. Besides, I had news I wasn’t willing to share yet, and I needed time to myself.

I visited my primary care doctor to verify the pregnancy, and I clearly remember the moment he returned to the exam room with test results. He handed me the printout so I could see it for myself — “Positive for HCG” — the pregnancy hormone. This doctor, the same one who suggested my autoimmune symptoms were psychosomatic, now asked an important question: “Is this good news?” “Yes,” I replied, “but I don’t know what to think. What about the lupus?” He attempted to reassure me that many women with lupus deliver healthy babies and he added a sincere “I’m happy for you.”

I walked through the hospital out to the parking lot, opened the door to our Plymouth Voyager minivan, climbed inside … and sat there. Bewildered, I prayed, “Lord, I’m happy but also concerned and confused. The timing is strange. This would be good news under better conditions, but I just don’t know what to think.”

At 35, with risk factors and a mysterious autoimmune disease, I was referred to an OB/GYN who specialized in high risk pregnancies. During the days leading up to my appointment, I read through my Merck manual to learn more about pregnancy risks in case something happened. At this point, Steve still didn’t know about the pregnancy. I wanted to tell him in person and expected the opportunity to arrive in subsequent weeks.

On Friday, April 13, 2001, I arrived at the OB/GYN’s office. I sat in the waiting room looking around at the other pregnant women, some with husbands by their side. I was the oldest in the room and felt conspicuously alone. This wasn’t the first time I was alone during a significant event nor would it be the last. So, I experienced the wonder of prenatal sonography by myself.

Floating around in amniotic fluid inside my womb was an active baby at 10.5 weeks. I could see the shape of the head, eye sockets, nose and mouth. The little arms were lifted up with hands together in a praying position. The heartbeat moved up and down gently. The legs and feet were clearly defined, kicking energetically as the baby rolled back and forth. I sensed he was a boy because he had a wide, strong back. Everything looked normal but his frantic kicking concerned me. The doctor said some babies are really active. But when he pointed out that the fetus had developed only to 9.5 weeks my heart sank. Showing no signs of concern, the doctor took a couple quick sonogram pictures and my appointment was over.

As I walked past the doctor’s desk toward the door, he spoke, “This is going to be a healthy pregnancy. Everything is going to be fine. It’s going to be good.” His tone was dull and his words were flat. It was as if he was trying to convince himself while mindlessly uttering false hope at me. I turned to look at him but he didn’t make eye contact. The incongruence of his words, tone of voice, and facial expression betrayed him and I wondered what he really thought. Still, I believed that if there was something I needed to know, he would have told me, and his words evaporated … until later.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES …

Welcome back to Life Happens – Jesus Answers in 2010. For those of you who are new to this column, I’m in the process of sharing my personal journey of transformation that has occurred over the last decade. You can get caught up from the beginning of the journey by accessing previous entries in Life Happens – Jesus Answers under “categories”.

Remember, in this new day of a new month in a new year and a new decade, God is doing a new thing, and He always has the best in mind for you no matter what your circumstances might be (Isaiah 43:18-19; Romans 8:28-30). People change and things change, but Our Lord is steadfast, faithful, and unchanging. As you walk with Him this year, rely on the truth of Scripture. Rely on His consistent love and grace. Rely on His strength and stability. But most of all rely on Him.

_______________________________

“Life Happens – Jesus Answers” is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

Journey of Transformation, Part 6

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jan 142010

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Unexpected Discovery

Each day I sat propped up on the bed reading, journaling, and praying. An inviting picture hanging on the wall across from me beckoned to me like a memory luring me back in time. Two white, wooden beach chairs faced forward toward the ocean. Seated on one was a woman wearing a white sun hat with a blue ribbon tied in a bow delicately draping the brim. To her left was a small grove of lacy green trees gracing the scene. As I gazed at the picture I felt warmth from the sun enveloping me with comforting serenity. Memories of Southern California summers breezed through my mind, and for a moment, I missed home. I spent hours studying this scene, wishing I were in it, wondering what my future held.

While the picture on the wall was a silent companion drawing me to another place, God was my ever-present source of comfort and hope. He has often used materials from In Touch Ministries to encourage me. One particular study met the cry of my heart as my condition worsened: Advancing through Adversity by Dr. Charles F. Stanley. God had strategically placed this resource in my hands as a light to guide me through the dark tunnel ahead.

It was March 2001 at Fort Jackson, South Carolina, when the adversity train led me down a new track. Sitting quietly reading I felt an itchy sensation on my bare arms and thought there were bugs in the room. I looked down to see strands of hair that had jumped off my scalp as if retreating from an enemy. When I worked conditioner through my hair in the shower, strands wrapped around my hands like a glove. Using my thumb, I pushed off a golf ball sized wad of hair each day and filled a trash can each week. Along with hair loss came increased fatigue, breathlessness, nausea, loss of appetite, and believe it or not, a severe distaste for chocolate — the most puzzling symptom of all. I assumed these unfortunate signs were members of the lupus family. According to what I read they belonged.

The day came when my assumption proved false. While getting dressed I looked down and noticed my abdomen protruding. As I stood sideways next to the mirror and mentally recalled my new symptoms one by one it dawned on me … I had missed two periods. What I had been experiencing the previous four weeks wasn’t lupus at all. I was pregnant.

Questions whirled around me like wind gusts trying to knock me down, “Will my immune system attack the fetus? Am I healthy enough to do this? I don’t even have a definite diagnosis yet. God, what are you up to?” Steve’s classes were about to end, we’d drive back to Tennessee, and he would head off to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, for the last phase of school. We made arrangements for me to stay with a friend if necessary.

In the meantime, I kept the little discovery to myself as we prepared to drive back to Fort Campbell, Kentucky. I marveled at the fact that neither Steve nor I knew I was pregnant during the entire month we were together. It was God’s secret until now, and I couldn’t help but wonder what was around the corner. It’s a blessing that I didn’t know in advance.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES …

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Journey of Transformation, Part 3

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Nov 052009

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Doctor! Doctor!

In July 2000 we packed our household goods, cleaned our apartment, moved into the Ray Barracks guest house, and eagerly anticipated our PCS to Fort Campbell, Kentucky. My “lupus” symptoms hadn’t changed. As far as I could tell, the condition remained isolated to my gum tissue, and I kept hoping it would go away.

By the end of August we were settled into our little rented house in Clarksville, Tennessee, and I began exercising. I felt fine and seemed relatively healthy except for the red rash that appeared across my nose and cheeks. I looked like Mrs. Tomato Head, especially after exercising. Needless to say, I was embarrassed to be seen at the fitness center.

In September the skin on my hands became extremely sensitive. It felt like third-degree sunburn each time I handled the window shade cords or attempted to tie my shoelaces. Any object with a ridged or slightly rough texture caused a burning sensation. When October brought three raised red bumps to my forehead, it was time to get this mysterious disease investigated more thoroughly. Unfortunately, my first few visits to primary care doctors and physicians’ assistants (PAs) resulted in frustration and serious doubt about the medical profession. The first doctor told me the skin changes would subside in a couple weeks and not to worry about them. One PA told me I had rosacea (reddening of the facial skin that usually occurs in older adults). My eyes got big, my anger rose up, my mouth wanted to yell, “You have got to be kidding me! This isn’t rosacea! You’re not serious, are you?” Instead, I simply asked, “Are you sure this isn’t something more like lupus? After all, that’s what other doctors have suggested.” Then she shot a wide-eyed gaze at me as if I had no business questioning her. Gimme a break. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

Eventually I landed in the office of a dermatologist who actually seemed to give a rip. Results of a skin biopsy led him also to “suspect” lupus. At this stage it only appeared to be discoid lupus – a less serious form that remains isolated to the skin. He did warn me, though, that it could become systemic, meaning full-blown Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE). Hadn’t I heard that before from a certain periodontist in Hanau, Germany? Hmmm … I vaguely recall … Yes! Now two different doctors agreed with each other. In order to halt the progression of the disease, the dermatologist prescribed a drug called Plaquenil, an anti-malarial drug, interestingly enough. Did it help? I don’t remember, but I didn’t get malaria! Whew. Close call.

Following one of those uplifting dermatology appointments, I went to the restroom and examined my face in the mirror. Fear of the unknown swirled around within me as denial rose to the surface and evaporated. Reality was staring back at me. I inquired of the Lord, “Father, what’s happening to me? Is this rash going to scar me for life? Will it ever go away? Will I ever be the same? How long will this last?” The reflection in the mirror was of someone I never saw before and didn’t care to see repeatedly. I recalled the days when people complimented my skin. After this, could anyone bear to look at me?

God had the answers to my questions, and He chose to reveal them one step at a time, one symptom at a time, one day, one month, and one year at a time. The trial before me would be treacherous. It’s a good thing I didn’t know what was next.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Women of PWOC, stay connected! In the coming weeks I will continue sharing my Journey of Transformation from being wounded and angry to healed and thriving. My purpose in sharing this story is to glorify God, to show the truth about Him, to display His goodness and provision in the midst of suffering, and to give you hope. No matter where you find yourself at this time in your life, be assured that God is trustworthy and faithful despite how you feel about Him. He does have good plans for you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).

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The Hard Questions

Leadership Development, Leadership Wednesday

Oct 142009

On PWOC Sunday, I was able to speak to our congregation at Fort McPherson. Besides sharing the theme Scriptures, I asked the worshippers some hard questions.
While looking at our New Testament Scripture (I Peter 2:9-10), we see Who Christ is and who we are in Christ. He becomes our identity. And that leads me to ask these questions about Christ, you, and PWOC.

Who is Jesus Christ?
Who are you?
Who are we as a ministry?
Who are we trying to reach?
How welcome are the unchurched in our groups?
Are we comfortable sharing the Gospel with someone from a different background?
What about the young spouse with her many tattoos and piercings?
What should the face of PWOC look like?
In what or whom do we put our trust?
Is in the pin we wear? or our matching t-shirts? or our abundance of black conference bags? or this familiar logo?
Is our identity wrapped up in our stuff?
Or is our identity as Christians and participants in the Protestant Women of the Chapel in Jesus Christ Himself?
In the grace only He can give? In the regenerating and sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in our lives?

This is where our true identity lies — not in our externals (what we put on) but in Whose we are (Christ’s).

Melinda Hemphill, PWOCI Communications

PWOC International Blog

Journey of Transformation, Part 23

Clash of the Specialists

Journey of Transformation, Part 18

A Trip of Another Kind

Journey of Transformation, Part 17

Spirit Message

Journey of Transformation, Part 16

A Shock in the Mirror

Journey of Transformation, Part 7

Confirmation and Concern

Journey of Transformation, Part 6

Unexpected Discovery

Journey of Transformation, Part 3

Doctor! Doctor!

The Hard Questions

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