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Journey of Transformation, Part 15

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Mar 182010

Another Road Trip

To this day I still don’t fully understand why God allowed me to have a miscarriage. I might not ever know all the reasons, but I do know that it has given me a connection to women that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. Even though I don’t have children, at least I know what it was like to be pregnant. I can relate to those who have endured the same loss and they can relate to me.

In the days following the D & C I shoved down my grief and told the friend who had been with me through the ordeal not to tell anyone. I couldn’t bear hearing ridiculous comments and questions that would have drained my energy further. Holding in the truth seemed to contain and control the magnitude of my loss. However, my heart and soul weren’t fooled. The grief was sure to rise up later.

Shortly after Steve returned to school at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, my lethargy increased. I didn’t feel like cooking and I wasn’t eating enough. Caring for myself became a chore. What would I do this time? Where could I go? I couldn’t expect friends to take care of me. It was time for another road trip to join my husband.

To reach my destination I ended up hitching a ride from my ever-present friend. She happened to be from Kansas and she and her husband were planning a trip at the time. Do you think God had something to do with that? You bet. He showed up to provide exactly what I needed as He had before.

I packed a suitcase, gathered up Bridgette’s doggy supplies, and we headed to Kansas. Bridgette, as you might recall from a previous entry, was our sweet little beagle who seemed more like a family member than a canine. She was a special companion through my losses and trials.

We endured our trip to Fort Leavenworth and our friends dropped us off at Steve’s hotel room across from post. Bridgette and I got settled and Steve went grocery shopping to fill the small refrigerator in his room. Every day after that I took Bridgette for a walk; it was our favorite thing to do.

I remember doing laundry in a building on post and we had to drag duffle bags up the stairs to the washer and dryer. Needless to say, I sat outside on a bench drinking juice while Steve hauled the bags up and down the stairs. Then I would drag myself up the stairs to deal with the clean clothes and help re-stuff the duffles. An elevator would have been helpful.

When classes ended a couple weeks later we headed home to Clarksville. Steve dropped me off on his way back to Fort Jackson for the final phase of school. That’s entirely too much driving — east to west to east and back. At least he was reimbursed for mileage.

I managed to get through the next two weeks but it was time to pay a visit to my favorite rheumatologist – the one I had to drive two hours to see who spent more time in the hallway with his nurses than he did with me in the examining room. I couldn’t wait to find out what amazing answers he had for me next.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Keep posted. We’re entering a new phase of the journey. It only gets harder from here, but God knows exactly what He’s doing.

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Life Happens – Jesus Answers is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

Journey of Transformation, Part 14

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Mar 112010

Emergency

The next morning Steve and I ate breakfast in my hospital room and around 9 a.m. I was discharged. After a quick stop at the pharmacy for pain medication and Gas-X we headed home. The old familiar emotions that jarred me the day before began rumbling again and I was grateful we lived only twenty minutes from Fort Campbell.

We pulled into the garage, got out of the car, and Steve opened the door to the house. With each step I felt waves of grief rising, overriding my weariness. Seconds after I stepped inside new sobs escaped for the first time in 24 hours and I released them on Steve’s shoulder.

Not having the same connection to the pregnancy, Steve was somewhat perplexed by my outburst. The whole experience was surreal to him. It might have been more mutual if he had known about the pregnancy beforehand, but men react differently.

Once the waterworks subsided I led Steve over to the end table in our living room and showed him the sonogram photo. With tears in his eyes he said, “It’s very sad.” At that point the loss became a little more tangible. However, he would never understand my trauma.

That night I developed a fever of 101-F along with severe pain in my abdomen. Ibuprofen didn’t break the fever and it rose to 101.7-F so we took off to the ER. This time I was really glad that Fort Campbell was only twenty minutes away.

After waiting a couple hours I was finally seen by a doctor. He asked several questions, looked at my medications, and glared at me when he saw the OB/GYN had prescribed Tylox for pain. With a strange blend of astonishment and anger he announced, “This is for end stage cancer patients!” I was so bewildered by his remark that I just stared back at him. I wasn’t sure if he was angry with me for not taking it (I had chosen not to because I didn’t want liver damage) or if he was floored that the doctor had prescribed such a potent drug. Whatever the case, this doc had a lousy bedside manner.

Once the happy doctor left the room Steve walked me over to the bathroom. As soon as I set foot inside I dropped to the floor. I’ll never know what caused the blackout but I was glad Steve was there to catch me. The last thing I needed was injury. Again I sensed God’s protection and provision.

We returned home around 1 a.m. and I managed to sleep through the night. Steve had been given a four-day pass from school at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, so he was able to stay for only three more days. During those days he made meals, bought take out, and monitored me to make sure I didn’t have another fever. Then he departed, reluctantly, on Wednesday, April 25, 2001.

So there I was, left with unresolved grief from a miscarriage and the unrelenting reality of lupus and hair loss. I was teetering between caring for myself and slipping into debilitating fatigue. Soon I would be in for another road trip.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Stay connected for more. Jehovah Jireh keeps on providing. The mysteries and complexities of our lives might never be clear in our time, but one thing is certain: God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9); and, His plans for our future are laced with goodness and hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

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Journey of Transformation, Part 13

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Mar 042010

A Warm Embrace

Shortly after my brief phone call with Steve two nurses arrived to anesthetize me. The friends who had faithfully stayed by my side all day were ravenous so they departed for dinner. Once they left the nurses told me to count backward from ten as they wheeled me into the operating room. In a matter of seconds I was out. It was approximately 5 p.m.

Around 6:30 p.m. I awoke trembling from shock; but the warm blankets wrapped snugly around my body felt like God’s loving embrace holding me fast. Ironically, a newborn is wrapped in a blanket before being handed to his mother. I would never know the joy of holding a newborn in my arms, but I did know the comfort of a loving Father holding me in His.

I glanced to my right and there was my friend again seated in a chair against the wall. She and the nurse had been chatting while they waited for me to wake up. It was good to see a familiar face. She followed as I was taken to my own room to spend the night. We talked for a while and she stayed until Steve arrived around 9 p.m.

With pizza in hand Steve bent down to kiss me and told me he was sorry this happened. Remarkably, I didn’t sob at that point. I was so glad to see him and I was too hungry to cry. Even though I was advised not to eat I did anyway and managed to avoid a rendezvous with the bathroom.

Once Steve was finished eating he took a moment to call my mom and asked her if she was sitting down. He told both she and my sister at the same time that I had a miscarriage and had come through surgery fine. They were stunned of course.

As I looked back on those events, I wondered why I didn’t attempt to contact Steve or my mother at some point during the day. But under those conditions, walking around in a fog, I just didn’t have the presence of mind to do it. Plus, in the process of being ushered all over the hospital I never gave it a thought. I guess I wanted to talk to Steve before talking to anyone else, but he had been in classes all day, and by the time he called I was almost ready for surgery. So that was that. Second guessing myself is useless. It’s over and done.

As Steve and I visited I began to feel a splintering pain in my abdomen that gradually intensified along with tachycardia – my heart rate soared to 130 bpm. A nurse came in, took my vitals, put an oxygen mask on me, and assessed the problem. As it turns out, all I needed was Gas-X! During any kind of internal surgery air can accumulate and get trapped. I felt like Violet Beauregarde — the girl who chewed a forbidden piece of gum in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and blew up into a blueberry-like ball.

Again, I was quick to note God’s sovereignty and provision. If this alarming event had occurred at home I probably would have panicked and made a beeline for the ER. Unfortunately, something happened the next night that forced me to do just that.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES so stay connected:

Along life’s highway we all encounter grief, heartache and challenges of various kinds in varying degrees. All of it has a higher, larger purpose than we might ever know. Nothing is lost on God, especially since He ordains these events to fulfill His purposes and plans for our lives. These events massage our hearts and souls into a pliable condition that causes us to surrender to His Lordship. It’s called transformation. We like to fight the process because it’s painful. But fighting is futile. We must submit to God and find rest for our souls.

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Journey of Transformation, Part 12

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Feb 252010

Sovereign Comfort

Once the hospital admission process was complete, I was escorted to a private room for final surgery prep. My friend never left my side from the moment she arrived late that morning. While I changed into a lovely hospital gown her husband went to find out if Steve had received the Red Cross message.

Across the room I noticed a table covered with a variety of reading materials including a Bible. I went over to pick up the Bible and underneath was a stack of small booklets. I thumbed through them and one in particular caught my eye. The title was How Can I Deal with My Loss? — A very appropriate title indeed. However, something else jumped out at me from the lower half of the cover. A white Avery label about one inch wide and four inches long displayed the following:

Compliments of:

CH (CPT) Steven Firtko and the 7-101 AVN BN UMT (Unit Ministry Team)

My heart nearly stopped. All I could think was, “No way!” Apparently my husband had been in that same hospital room ministering to a woman who also had lost a baby. Holding that booklet in my hands was like having Steve’s spirit in the room.

This sweet little gift from God proved His sovereignty and omniscience. It was all part of His grand plan for me to be in that particular room. Knowing exactly what I would need, He prompted my husband to plant a booklet with his name on it in the right place at the right time. My God shows up. When He brings or allows something difficult, He also provides a soothing balm to ease the pain.

While my friend and I marveled at God’s handiwork her husband returned with news. Steve had finally received the Red Cross message, but only after it floated around Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, for a while before reaching him at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. Overwhelmed by the blatant stupidity of this, I felt the anger phase of grief rising up.

My emotions were getting a little more unpredictable. Along with the emotional upheaval came hormonal upheaval. I had a good attitude one minute and anger the next. Clearly I was no longer operating on autopilot. Reality came out to bite me once again. But when my friend’s husband got Steve on the phone my fury had to wait. Our conversation went something like this:

S: How are you? Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant? What a shock.

L: I wanted to tell you in person and I fully expected to have an opportunity. This was too significant to share over the phone.

S: You know how I found out? I was sitting in class and the class leader gave me a note that said Your wife is in the hospital due to complications of pregnancy. He told me to go see the Chaplain teacher. So I went to his office, he asked me to sit down, and he closed the door. Then he spoke, “I’m sorry I have bad news. Your wife had a miscarriage.” My mouth dropped open and I exclaimed, “What? I didn’t even know she was pregnant.” Then he excused me from class to get a plane ticket. I’m in Nashville now waiting for my ride. I’ll get there as soon as I can. Love you.

L: I’m going into surgery soon. I’ll see you when it’s over. Love you too.

So he finally knew. What a horrendous shock . . . for both of us. After the surgery I would be glad I persuaded the doctor to make arrangements for me to stay overnight. And God would show up again.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Dear women of PWOC, I pray and trust that the Lord is using this story to encourage and perhaps challenge you. This isn’t for me or just about me. It’s for Christ and all about how He wants to use it. Please stay connected for more. As always, you may access previous entries in Life Happens – Jesus Answers under “Categories.” Have a Christ-filled week.

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Journey of Transformation, Part 11

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Feb 182010

Contradictory Doc

The ob/gyn who discovered my miscarriage had contacted my friend, called the Red Cross, and sent me to a different ob/gyn who would perform the D & C. This new doctor explained the importance of getting it done immediately to prevent complications over the weekend. So, there I was on Friday, April 20, 2001, undergoing the first phase of preparation. I won’t bother describing it here. It’s a tad indelicate.

While I finished getting dressed my friend arrived. She pulled back the curtain, hugged me, and I let out a brief sob. After exchanging a few sorrowful words, we took a seat on the brown leather couch in the doctor’s office. While he was filling out paperwork I gazed at the décor on his walls and desk. It suggested he was a Christian; and this was enough to ease my anxiety since I was about to go under his knife. But it wasn’t long before my encouragement degenerated.

I don’t recall our conversation exactly, but as we chatted about the procedure he said something that sent my heart plummeting: “It was only a blob.” I could feel my face stretch lengthwise as my eyebrows rose, my eyes grew larger, and my mouth fell open. I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t audibly question his ridiculous comment. My innards stirred. If I hadn’t been so stunned I probably would have broken into another atrocious wailing episode.

What’s the deal? Was this guy a Christian or not? Doesn’t he understand that a human life begins at conception? My brain shouted, It wasn’t a blob! How can you say that?! Images of that first sonogram raced through my mind as I recalled the head, the heartbeat, and the clearly formed arms, legs, hands and feet. The baby kicked vigorously. “It” was not a blob. He was a baby!

The doctor’s hand was busy writing and his eyes followed his pen. My eyes glared at him with disgust. The contradictions between his apparent beliefs and his words astounded me. Could it be that he was in the habit of making this offhanded comment to women who had miscarriages just to minimize their loss? Was this his lame way of attempting to assuage their pain? It did the opposite.

When he was finished with the paperwork he handed it to me and told me to go to admitting where I had to fill out more paperwork. What a weird feeling. I still couldn’t comprehend what was happening. My friend and her husband sat with me as I completed the forms. I valued their presence. My mother and sister were in Colorado and they still hadn’t heard. Neither had Steve but he wouldn’t be able to fly from Kansas to Tennessee in time to be with me anyway.

Sitting in the waiting area anticipating the procedure made me restless. I felt so many emotions I wasn’t sure which one to pick. Yet, despite the emotional upheaval, I sensed an inner stability and courage that couldn’t have come from me. God was strengthening me with His special brand of peace that defies explanation. And that wasn’t all He did. Awaiting my discovery was a gift He planted in my hospital room months before just for me.

TO BE CONTINUED:

Stay connected! In the next installment God displays His compassion and sovereignty. Even when He allows hard things in our lives He reveals His loving kindness. As difficult as it is to accept sometimes, Romans 8:28 really is true. This week reflect on what God has done in your life and let Him show you where He has brought good out of hardship, sorrow and pain.

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Life Happens – Jesus Answers is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

Journey of Transformation, Part 10

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Feb 112010

Holding It Together

The kind ob/gyn managed to contact my friend and then invited me to sit down on the blue plastic chair placed against the wall behind her desk. I sat in that chair, rocking forward and back, arms wrapped around my midsection. The rocking was instinctive. I either was attempting to comfort my shattered soul; or I was subconsciously rocking the newborn I would never hold. Like Jackie Kennedy scrambling to collect a piece of John’s skull from the back of their open convertible the day he was assassinated, I was desperately grasping the womb that encased my dead baby.

I stared at the floor, expressionless; feeling battered and bruised on the inside. It was all emotion. The wailing episode had drained me. My brain became more and more disengaged as I slipped into autopilot. But this dark journey had just begun and I needed to stay present.

The doctor proceeded to call the Red Cross. It was their job to locate and notify Steve. Little did I know it would take extra effort and a lot of time for them to succeed. As the ob/gyn initiated her phone call, the male nurse who had shoved tissue into my hand earlier came to escort me to a different doctor. He led me out of the examining room to the right, down a corridor, through the halls. I was in a fog. Nothing seemed real. Everything was blurry. I put one foot in front of the other, staying directly behind him, keeping my head straight without turning to the right or the left.

As we walked down the center of the hallway, we cut a path requiring people to walk around us. Through my peripheral vision I caught glimpses of pregnant women passing me on both sides. Today that memory brings to mind God’s parting of the Red Sea. He cut a path through the water so the people could cross. In my case, I carried death down the corridor while life passed by me. It seemed cruel. If I could have mustered the strength, I might have screamed.

The date of this dreadful event was Friday, April 20, 2001. The new doctor explained that even though I hadn’t had any cramping or significant bleeding up to that point, it could happen over the weekend which would make this situation much worse. He encouraged me to schedule a D & C for later that afternoon. (Dilation and Curettage — A common procedure used to remove tissue that hasn’t been expelled on its own. It also stops bleeding and prevents infection.) Because the day was getting older and operating rooms were filling up, I had to decide quickly.

It was so abrupt. I had just arrived at the hospital at 9:30 a.m. to be examined; then one hour later learned I’d had a miscarriage; and then I was strongly encouraged to get rid of the contents of my womb. Just like that. Still, reason and wisdom took control over the grief and anger I felt brewing inside. I’ve always been practical; doing what makes the most sense. Even during the most unbearable loss of my life, I managed to pull myself out of autopilot and use my brain. Or was the Holy Spirit responsible for that? He had to be holding me together.

TO BE CONTINUED:

Women of PWOC, and other interested parties, stay connected for the rest of the story. It will continue as long as the Lord allows. If you’re a little lost, and would like to get caught up, feel free to read previous entries in Life Happens – Jesus Answers under “Categories.” Until next time, may God bless you with peace and joy as you traverse your week.

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Journey of Transformation, Part 9

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Feb 042010

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Grief Emerges

When the doctor returned to the examining room I was sitting on the table composed but stunned. The questions that bounced around in my brain still couldn’t be asked. My mouth wasn’t ready to engage. This had been my first pregnancy. At the time I didn’t know it would be my last. The road ahead would be long and hard but I had to stay present in this dark moment.

The doctor began asking necessary questions: “Where is your husband?” I responded, “He’s not here. He’s at school. He didn’t even know I was pregnant . . . no one knows.” Her eyes widened in disbelief. Then embarrassment climbed atop all the other emotions accumulating at my core. Suddenly I was no longer napping in denial. Reality woke me up.

It rumbled and pushed its way up from a depth I didn’t know existed. Like hot bubbling lava desperate to burst forth from an active volcanic core, grief emerged indescribable. All I did was answer the doctor’s question, but that was enough to cause anguish to churn and rise like waves of nausea determined to force out projectile vomit. Only, this wasn’t vomit, this was the very essence of my being — my soul. My soul knew what happened. It knows everything. It writhed and groaned like it wanted to leave my body in search of relief from the agony holding it captive.

By the time the doctor asked the next question grief gripped my heart. “Where is he?” she inquired with concern. I couldn’t answer. My body felt paralyzed. Waves of sorrow swirled upward and made their way to my shoulders and neck. My head grew hot. As I opened my mouth and struggled to speak, the waves unleashed streams of despair through my eyes. With labored breath I spoke in a slow, quiet whisper, sobs punctuating the sentence, “Heee’s at . . . he’s . . . he . . . heee’s at . . . Fort . . . Leaven . . . worth . . . Kansas.”

The doctor couldn’t understand what I said so she asked the question again, “Where is he?” Once more I fought to release the words, “Fort Leaven . . . worth . . . Kansas.” Then it came. What had been rumbling from the depth of my being finally made its way out in full force. With raw, uninhibited emotion my vocal chords emitted something like the sound of a soul tormented in hell. Crying and sobbing were done. For the first time in my life I WAILED.

It came from a deep, dark, black hole — a place outside my body — a dimension unknown to mankind — a place I’d never been. The doctor held my head to her BDU clad chest and spoke gently, “This is the hardest part of my job.” She had done this before, many times.

She gave me a few minutes to expel the first wave of volcanic grief. A hazy cloud formed around me. I felt anesthetized. In a kind, compassionate manner the doctor continued her questions, “Is there anyone here we can call?” I had to think for a minute but one person came to mind. With that name the doctor went over to her desk and set the notification process in motion.

TO BE CONTINUED:

Women of PWOC, and other interested parties, stay connected for the rest of the story. God displays His faithfulness and compassion each step of the way. He is El Roi: God of Seeing; El Shaddai: God All Sufficient; Jehovah-Jireh: The Lord will Provide; and ultimately, Jehovah-Rophe: The Lord Who Heals.

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“Life Happens – Jesus Answers” is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

Journey of Transformation, Part 8

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jan 282010

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Unexpected Loss

After my first ob/gyn visit I went home still unsure what to think. The 10.5 week old fetus seemed normal but it had developed only to 9.5 weeks and the doctor’s incongruent words, tone, and body language suggested there could be a problem. With that I trusted God with the pregnancy knowing His will would be accomplished.

During the next week I continued studying my Merck Manual to read about risk factors and possible symptoms to watch for. The days progressed without incident until Friday, April 20, 2001, when as a precaution I called the doctor’s office to inquire about the light spotting I noticed.

The nurse on the other end of the line encouraged me to get checked even though the symptoms were insignificant. So I ended up at the doctor’s office at 9:30 a.m. I patiently sat in the waiting room eating an egg and a banana not expecting bad news. According to the Merck Manual my symptoms seemed harmless.

A nurse came to take my vital signs and weight. I had lost a couple pounds but certainly wasn’t trying to, especially during pregnancy. I commented on the weight loss and the nurse said many women lose weight during the first several weeks. I latched onto her reassurance like a security blanket as she led me into an examining room and asked me to change.

In short order a female ob/gyn came in to perform a sonogram. I remember lying on the table looking at the screen oblivious to the whole process. It looked different from the sonogram the week before but I still thought everything was normal. Then the ob/gyn called someone else into the room. I don’t know who this other person was. She was wearing scrubs and didn’t look like a doctor. There was no introduction and she never looked at me. She simply looked at the screen, shook her head, turned and left the room.

Perplexed, I observed all this activity without a word from anyone. Then the doctor had me look at the screen. All I could see was a white shadow. She pointed to where the heartbeat should have been and said, “There’s no heartbeat. The fetus is no longer viable.” Denial set in. How could this be? Did the equipment malfunction? How could this sonogram picture be so strikingly different from the first one? How could this fetus go from a live, active, kicking baby to a white shadowy blob in just a few days? There had been no cramping, no bleeding, no symptoms whatsoever except for minor spotting. How could this much destruction happen without any sign at all? I thought they must have made a mistake. Questions railed against the sides of my brain but I was too stunned to ask them out loud.

Shock began to set in as I laid back down on the table. Grief gradually enshrouded me with a blanket of sorrow and the atmosphere in the room grew silent and dreary. No one said anything. The male tech shoved a couple pieces of tissue in my left hand as if to declare, “I know what’s coming!” Then he and the doctor stepped out so I could get dressed.

One would think I’d just been shot in the chest or struck with a two-by-four. I was dumbfounded. But something rumbled deep in my soul that was soon to erupt.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES …

Remember, in this new day of a new month in a new year and a new decade, God is doing a new thing, and He always has the best in mind for you no matter what your circumstances might be (Isaiah 43:18-19; Romans 8:28-30). People change and things change, but Our Lord is steadfast, faithful, and unchanging. As you walk with Him this year, rely on the truth of Scripture. Rely on His consistent love and grace. Rely on His strength and stability. But most of all rely on Him.

For those of you who are new to this column, I’m in the process of sharing my personal journey of transformation that has occurred over the last decade. You can get caught up from the beginning of the journey by accessing previous entries in Life Happens – Jesus Answers under “categories.”

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PWOC International Blog

Journey of Transformation, Part 15

Another Road Trip

Journey of Transformation, Part 14

Emergency

Journey of Transformation, Part 13

A Warm Embrace

Journey of Transformation, Part 12

Sovereign Comfort

Journey of Transformation, Part 11

Contradictory Doc

Journey of Transformation, Part 10

Holding It Together

Journey of Transformation, Part 8

Unexpected Loss

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