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Journey of Transformation, Part 23

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

May 202010

Clash of the Specialists

It was November 2001 when I landed in the dermatologist’s office. Dr. Honl was kind, compassionate, professional, and deeply concerned about me. Days later I ended up in the rheumatologist’s office. Dr. Linney (name has been changed) wasn’t so concerned.

The battle of the specialists began.

The first time I visited Dr. Honl she carefully examined my skin. When she noticed my shins she asked, “Do you ever use lotion?” I replied, “Yes, but it takes too much energy to get down there and apply it. I don’t do it often.” The skin looked dry and scaly, almost with a marbled, shiny appearance.

She looked at my fingers and toes. Apparently the ulcers that were forming on the bottoms of my big toes did so because circulation was lacking. The Raynaud’s Syndrome was kicking in more and my hands and feet often turned purple. It was hard to keep them warm. The calcifications and burning sensations on my knuckles and finger tips definitely suggested a serious autoimmune problem.

After assessing me completely Dr. Honl announced, “I think you have a connective tissue disease called dermatomyositis. The skin lesions and muscle weakness are consistent with that.” I told her that other doctors stood firm on the diagnosis of lupus. She was certain that these new eruptions were not signs of lupus although there could possibly be some lupus mixed in. Was she correct?

An official diagnosis had to come from a rheumatologist – a specialist who deals with autoimmune diseases. I’d been here before. The rheumatologist I saw in Bowling Green, Kentucky, who seemed more interested in collecting his fees than he was in helping me, was the guy who gave the “official” lupus diagnosis. But now maybe I would have a doctor who would exert some effort in nailing down this mysterious disease process.

Tri Care assigned me to a rheumatologist named Dr. Linney who happened to be the same one my sister saw. Some doctors are better than others and both of us struck out with this one. After examining me he affirmed the standing diagnosis, “You have lupus.” I said, “Dr. Honl, my dermatologist, thinks that I show definite signs of dermatomyositis.” How did he respond?

Dr. Linney’s cold demeanor nearly made me shiver. There wasn’t a hint of warmth or concern in his expression. With a determined arrogance he refused to give Dr. Honl’s diagnosis a second glance. Something was wrong. I sensed in my spirit that this guy was putting his pride before his patient. It was clear to me that he stood firm on his opinion because he couldn’t handle conceding to a dermatologist – a female dermatologist at that. After all, he was the big rheumatologist and he had to be right! But was he?

Power and control. That’s what it was all about. Where did that leave me? I revisited my Merck Manual and read about dermatomyositis. It sounded scary. It could put me in wheelchair. It could take my life. But for the time being, lupus reigned.

A year from this point I finally would have the right answers, but until that time God had more things in store for me – a visit with a naturopathic physician was on the horizon.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Through life’s uncertainties I have learned to lean on Christ. If I never had any problems, if I got all the answers I wanted, and if everyone agreed and got along . . . I’d be living in Pleasantville where everything is black and white. Boring! I want color! I want vibrancy! I want to live.

Regrettably, living involves pain. Living involves unanswered questions. Living involves power struggles between people who won’t agree. Life is a big mystery held in the hands of a big God who has something bigger in mind than we can comprehend. Trusting and waiting are hard, but they are what I must do.

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him (Isaiah 64:4).

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Life Happens – Jesus Answers is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

Journey of Transformation, Part 22

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

May 132010

The God of All Comfort

On the heels of the Halloween caper were more joy-filled moments. Judy and I got to spend a lot of time together which wouldn’t have happened under different circumstances. We listened to my Matthew Ward CD for a dose of encouragement and inspiration, and we heard good Bible teaching from the likes of Dr. Charles Stanley, Chuck Swindoll, and others. We clung to the words of hope spoken by these godly men as if clinging to life itself.

God will often give me a message from a sound preacher or teacher at just the right time to affirm something He’s taught me, or to encourage my heart. Back in November 2001 He did that through Chuck Swindoll. Chuck described trials other people had endured as he worked through 2 Corinthians 1:3-11, a passage titled The God of All Comfort.

At that time I was miserable, thin and weak, had calcifications developing on my knuckles and toes, and burning fingers that had to be covered with band aids every day. Although this wasn’t anywhere near how bad my condition would get, it was bad enough and it was all I knew.

As I listened to Chuck speak Paul’s words to the Corinthian church I was able to relate. He described much suffering including physical and emotional anguish. In verse 8 Paul mentioned the hardships he and his cohorts endured while in Asia and he even said, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.” I had those moments. I despaired of life itself.

But I had hope. I knew without a doubt that God had plans to use my tribulation to comfort and encourage other people. Eventually He would turn this ordeal into something purposeful, worthwhile, and life changing. When? I had no idea. How? That was an even greater mystery. The answers to those questions would be revealed at a later time, but there was an immediate purpose for me and my sister made clear in verse 9: “Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” Despite the urgency of our trials, God wanted us to rely on Him, not on the obvious earthly sources. Namely, doctors, ourselves, or other people. He is the source of all.

The pain we endure always has a purpose. Wrenching our brains to figure it out is futile as I have learned. But I’m desperate for purpose and meaning. I need to know that every bit of misery, loss, heartache, anguish, illness, weakness, hardship, and agony will produce something useful not only for me but for others. Isn’t that why we’re here?

First and foremost we’re here to be in relationship with God through Jesus Christ, but we are the tools He uses to minister to others. Quite often it’s our mutual suffering that lends us credibility with those who need His touch. He has invited us to partner with Him in His grand scheme of salvation and redemption. Through this partnership He uses our suffering.

I felt a call, a purpose, back then. As my body grew weaker my heart grew stronger with the expectation that God would use me one day to make a difference in the lives of others. In the meantime, I had a rocky road ahead of me and I don’t mean ice cream. The clash of the specialists was next.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

2 Corinthians 1:10-11, “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”

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Journey of Transformation, Part 21

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

May 062010

(For those just joining us, here’s a brief recap of major issues that arose between January 2000 and April 2001: Red facial rash; swollen, inflamed gum tissue; fatigue; increasing weakness in my legs; weight loss; significant hair loss with bald spots; and the new development of hard white lumps under my skin that caused severe pain. The tentative diagnoses were systemic lupus erythematosis, Raynaud’s syndrome, and hypothyroidism.)

A Photo and a Bag

It was October 2001 and the time had come for me to renew my driver’s license. I adorned myself with a hat to hide the humiliating appearance of my head. The red rash on my face had worsened and my nose was swollen. I had cut my hair to get rid of the straggles but it looked scary anyway.

Mom took me to the DMV. When picture time came I pleaded with the woman to let me leave my hat on, but no, I had to take it off. There I was with no hat, flat sparse hair, red rash and swollen nose. To top it off I had a mark on my forehead from the hat rim.

The woman behind the camera was ready to shoot. I was ready to die. I fought to hold back the tears as I cracked an obligatory smile. Click. Beautiful. For nine years I’ve had that license in my wallet. Fortunately, I haven’t had to pull it out very often. I guess that’s why I never thought to get the photo retaken. Besides, I was too sick to care.

The really sad part about my appearance at the time is that I looked like the actor Michael Keaton as his character Beetlejuice, especially when my hair was freshly washed and stood straight up. That was my perception which might have been slightly distorted through the lens of a broken self image.

On a lighter note, through the pain and misery there were moments of relief and fun. When Halloween arrived, my mother decided that she, my sister, my aunt and I should go trick or treating through the townhome complex.

Back then Wal-Mart used grocery bags that had big smiley faces on them. Mom got each of us a Wal-Mart bag to put over our head. I had no qualms about putting a bag over my head after the incident at the DMV so I willingly went along with the plan.

My only concern was that neighbors might have thought we were killers coming to get them since we weren’t exactly children. And instead of handing us treats they’d call the cops and we’d spend Halloween in jail. In light of this we only rang doorbells of those neighbors my parents knew.

When we rang the first doorbell a man answered. His eyes expanded, his eyebrows rose, his mouth opened and before he could say anything my mother announced, “Hi Bill. It’s Elaine. Trick or Treat!” The shock took a moment to lift. Then a glimmer of light crossed his face as recognition of a name he’d heard before landed on his lips, “Oh, Elaine. I wondered who was at my door. The Wal-Mart bags are cute.”

Whew. See what I’m saying. That was a close call. Bill’s immediate reaction was exactly what I’d feared. Fortunately Mom spoke up before something really scary could happen. To avoid frightening the entire complex we only went to two other houses. These folks appeared equally stunned. At the last house we took off our bags and had a good laugh.

I find it fascinating that during some of the worst times in my life I’ve had some of the brightest moments. That’s God’s way of easing a heavy burden and showing me how to live with peace and joy in the midst of suffering. Only He can make that happen.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Stay connected for more. There is joy and blessing woven through the trial. But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. Job 36:15

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Journey of Transformation, Part 20

Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies, Uncategorized

Apr 292010

The Wait Ends

The lab results finally came and they were normal. Soon morphine infused into my IV would provide relief. But the pain got so far ahead of me that two milligrams did nothing to ease it. Four milligrams didn’t work. Six milligrams helped. I had a total of eight. I knew that amount would make me sick.

To the nurse standing next to my lovely black plastic bed I said, “I think I’ll need an anti-nausea medication.” What did he say? “Okay. Let me know if you think you’re gonna throw up.” Then he departed.

Possible responses swirled around my brain with nowhere to land. This is what I should have said: “Okay, no problem. At the moment I sense I’m going to hurl I’ll jump off this bed and go on a nurse hunt. I’m sure I’ll find you in time for you to gather the supplies, get the doctor’s permission, accompany me back to the bed, and inject the medication into my IV. By then the nausea will have subsided and all will be well. I’m sure that’s how this will go down.”

Moments later it all came up. A big splash of water and morphine erupted from my stomach. It landed on the black plastic bed. Since there was no food in my stomach it wasn’t as miserable as barfing after a big meal. Even so, a technician had to clean it up. She was lucky it was fluid, not chunks.

Forgive my sarcasm. I have a hard time with stupidity. Comedian Bill Engvall has it right when he says, “Here’s your sign.” Sometimes people say and do things that just don’t make any sense. Excuse me but vomit won’t wait. When the stomach is ready to expel its contents you don’t have a choice but to let her rip. Any nurse ought to know that.

After my episode of expulsion I understood firsthand why the beds were covered with thick black plastic and not lovely linens. Someone would end up doing a lot of laundry, and who has time for laundry when they’re busy saving lives and killing pain? And at last my pain was killed. There’s nothing like relief from prolonged severe pain.

God can do that in our hearts and souls. He has a way of easing intense heartache so we don’t slide into despair. I would experience this in years to come. For now — October 2001 — I had to tend to my thumb.

Had I been able to see the future this trip to the ER would have seemed like a trip to Disneyland. The worst phase of my transformational journey was on its way.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

We live in a desperately broken world. It’s easy to lose hope and enter periods of grief at every turn if we let ourselves. Our only true hope is found in Jesus Christ who has warned us of trials and tribulations, but who also has overcome them — I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

When I feel overcome by suffering or grief, or I’m angry at God, or I don’t feel like praying, I force myself to grab my Bible and open to the Psalms. Supernaturally, as I read, I feel the tension in my body subside and God’s indescribable peace soothes me. Some of my favorites: Psalm 10, 18, 25, 27, 31, 35, 37, 40, 41, 55-57, 91, 103, 139-145. Dive in to the book of Psalms this week and let the Holy Spirit soothe your soul with His peace.

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Journey of Transformation, Part 18

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Apr 152010

A Trip of Another Kind

August 2001 arrived and my parents came to Tennessee to visit. Dad planned to see his brother, my Uncle Wayne. Mom, being a former realtor, was interested in seeing homes in the area just for kicks. We didn’t have a spare bedroom so they stayed at the Best Western. Our little rented house had just enough room for me, Steve, and Bridgette.

Steve was expected to depart for Afghanistan so I rode back to Colorado with Mom and Dad following their brief visit. My sister Judy lived with them at the time. We were stunned when she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. How strange that both of us would be hit with autoimmune diseases at the same time. We distinctly remembered a conversation we’d had a year earlier. While sitting around with family in my parents’ living room we expressed sympathy over problems other people were having. We marveled, with gratitude, that our family didn’t have any major traumas up to that point.

Was there something wrong with having a grateful heart? Does gratitude breed affliction, suffering, and sorrow? It was as if our expressions of gratitude triggered some bizarre chain of events. Like we were being punished, or challenged, for being grateful. Did God perceive it as prideful? We weren’t proud. We were relieved. It felt like He couldn’t possibly let us slide by without problems – as if everyone had to endure hardship at some point. Were we not dedicated enough to Him? What in the world did we do wrong? We couldn’t figure out what was happening. The timing was strange.

Have you ever said something and wished you could take it back? That’s how I felt about my expressions of gratitude. Was it possible that in our hearts we believed we must have been doing something right in order to escape God’s chastisement? Was that so horrible? There was no judgment or condemnation toward the other people. There was no comparison. We just felt grateful. Did these afflictions even have anything to do with what we did or didn’t do? Or was it just part of God’s plan for our lives that happened to manifest itself at that particular time? Questions mounted but answers remained elusive. Clearly, I had a lot to learn about God and how He operates in our lives. Lessons would be learned as devastation increased.

One September morning I discovered a strange white spot on the ball of my left thumb. It couldn’t be squeezed like a pimple. Nothing would come out. It began to hurt. Mom, in all her wisdom, suggested that I put a poultice on it to draw out what appeared to be pus. It didn’t work. The pain increased and nothing could extinguish it. When it approached an intolerable level I announced to my dad that we better take a trip to the ER at the Air Force Academy.

What transpired that day was just the beginning of inexplicable misery to come.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

When you don’t know why something is happening and you feel like you’re being punished, cast your cares on Jesus. Get real. Get honest. Don’t be afraid of irreverence. He created you. He knows what’s in your heart already. Express it. He’s the only one you can safely unload your burdens on. He’s the only one who can do anything about your problem, and He has a reason for allowing it. Cry out to Him and let Him take you deeper into the realm of spiritual maturity and intimacy.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

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Journey of Transformation, Part 17

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Apr 082010

Spirit Message

When I discovered the bald spots on the back of my head I still had a red rash on my face, sensitivity to cold, numb fingers and toes, and swollen gums. Through the pregnancy and miscarriage none of these symptoms lifted. I merely took a detour that weakened my immune system further. The questions I posed to God about this trial wouldn’t be answered for years.

Not fully comprehending why all this was happening, I petitioned the Lord, “Father, I realize you’re allowing this trial for a reason because everything you bring into my life has purpose. I don’t know what’s in store, nor do I know how long it will last. Please let it last as long as necessary so I learn the lesson this time and don’t have to repeat it later.”

I didn’t pray that prayer expecting a response – at least not immediately. Yet I knew that in the process of walking this path the Lord would honor my request. I knew somehow I would persevere. I knew I would emerge a better person. But I was stunned to hear what the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, “It’ll last about five years.”

Whoa. Did that really just happen? I couldn’t recall a time when I’d received such a strong, clear message from the Spirit. I stood staring at the wall in my bathroom hesitating to believe what I’d heard was real. It came so far from left field that it had to be God. I wasn’t on medication. I wasn’t making it up. The message clearly came from the Spirit.

At the time I didn’t know how great a gift this message was. How often does God clue people in to the duration of their suffering? I’ve never heard another person share anything like that. Maybe they’re afraid people would accuse them of creating a story. Why would someone make it up? What would be the point?

I never shared my blessed revelation with anyone, but that wasn’t a conscious decision, I just didn’t think about it. This precious jewel from God was intended to be kept between the two of us, hidden in the recesses of my soul. It was a gift He planted deep within designed to see me through the darkness ahead.

In the coming months my symptoms held steady but I was too weary to cook or keep house. My primary care doctor had no real answers and the rheumatologist remained clueless. In late summer 2001 Steve was informed he’d be going to Afghanistan.

Okay, now that was a place I definitely couldn’t hitch a ride to. Was it time for another road trip? Where would I end up this time?

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade–kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:3-7

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Journey of Transformation, Part 16

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Mar 252010

A Shock in the Mirror

My visit with the rheumatologist in Bowling Green, Kentucky, is hardly worth mentioning. He was sorry to hear about my miscarriage, but he offered no relief from the lupus or hair loss. And his carelessness with prescriptions made me uneasy. If I had actually taken the Vioxx he tossed at me back in February, which typically is prescribed for rheumatoid arthritis and not lupus, I would have blamed myself and the medication for the miscarriage. No doubt I would have blamed the doctor too.

I see God’s grace in this.

My previous experience and knowledge with medications gave me the wisdom not to take the Vioxx. In subsequent years I saw law office television ads naming Vioxx as a villain in countless stories about horrific side effects. I had been spared unrelenting torment.

Soon June 2001 would be upon us and I had lost so much hair it looked sparse and straggly. To shield my waning self esteem from further humiliation I began wearing ball caps. When Steve returned from Fort Jackson he didn’t mention the condition of my hair and I wasn’t aware of its severity.

When Steve’s birthday arrived in late June I wanted to look pretty for him so I took time getting ready. It’s hard to believe that during all those months since February I hadn’t considered checking the back of my head.

Until that day.

I turned my back to the sink and held a mirror with my left hand while examining my hair with the right. Shock pulsated through my heart. I was transfixed. Anyone walking past would have thought I was a statue.

How could this be? Where there once was beautiful sandy blonde hair there now appeared three bald spots the size of golf balls. Steve entered the bathroom and I showed him the back of my head. He hadn’t noticed it before. Really?

I questioned, “What can I do? How can I cover the spots? I can’t wear a ball cap with a dress!” He suggested I try one of my summer hats. Although the idea sounded abhorrent it was either that or stay home.

I slowly walked into the bedroom to get a pair of earrings and the tears broke loose. As I reached for my jewelry pouch Steve came over to console me. With despair I cried, “I wanted to look pretty for you but I’m not pretty anymore.” He responded with a very male comment, “It’s okay. I don’t love you for your hair.”

I returned to the bathroom and struggled unsuccessfully to style the straggles. And even though the hat covered my scalp, it couldn’t erase the horrifying image I’d seen in the mirror. From my perspective the evening was marred by a new thing to grieve. Never before had I felt so ugly.

I began to wonder what all this was about. Why was it progressing? Was God punishing me? As far as I knew I wasn’t anymore sinful than any other Christian. I felt singled out. No other spouses in my military circles were enduring anything remotely close to this. Would I have to walk this road alone? How long would it last? How bad would it get?

Only God, and time, would tell.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Have you ever walked a path that seemed to have no clear direction? Did you feel as though you were suffering for nothing? During times when God brings perplexing circumstances into our lives it helps to adopt a God perspective or an eternal perspective. Remember that He sees things much differently and has a plan involving the entire universe.

An important question to ask during trials is, “Father, what can I learn from this?” Then wait for His answer.

In the meantime, read Isaiah 55; 1 Peter 4:12-19; and bury your face in the Psalms.

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Journey of Transformation, Part 15

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Mar 182010

Another Road Trip

To this day I still don’t fully understand why God allowed me to have a miscarriage. I might not ever know all the reasons, but I do know that it has given me a connection to women that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. Even though I don’t have children, at least I know what it was like to be pregnant. I can relate to those who have endured the same loss and they can relate to me.

In the days following the D & C I shoved down my grief and told the friend who had been with me through the ordeal not to tell anyone. I couldn’t bear hearing ridiculous comments and questions that would have drained my energy further. Holding in the truth seemed to contain and control the magnitude of my loss. However, my heart and soul weren’t fooled. The grief was sure to rise up later.

Shortly after Steve returned to school at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, my lethargy increased. I didn’t feel like cooking and I wasn’t eating enough. Caring for myself became a chore. What would I do this time? Where could I go? I couldn’t expect friends to take care of me. It was time for another road trip to join my husband.

To reach my destination I ended up hitching a ride from my ever-present friend. She happened to be from Kansas and she and her husband were planning a trip at the time. Do you think God had something to do with that? You bet. He showed up to provide exactly what I needed as He had before.

I packed a suitcase, gathered up Bridgette’s doggy supplies, and we headed to Kansas. Bridgette, as you might recall from a previous entry, was our sweet little beagle who seemed more like a family member than a canine. She was a special companion through my losses and trials.

We endured our trip to Fort Leavenworth and our friends dropped us off at Steve’s hotel room across from post. Bridgette and I got settled and Steve went grocery shopping to fill the small refrigerator in his room. Every day after that I took Bridgette for a walk; it was our favorite thing to do.

I remember doing laundry in a building on post and we had to drag duffle bags up the stairs to the washer and dryer. Needless to say, I sat outside on a bench drinking juice while Steve hauled the bags up and down the stairs. Then I would drag myself up the stairs to deal with the clean clothes and help re-stuff the duffles. An elevator would have been helpful.

When classes ended a couple weeks later we headed home to Clarksville. Steve dropped me off on his way back to Fort Jackson for the final phase of school. That’s entirely too much driving — east to west to east and back. At least he was reimbursed for mileage.

I managed to get through the next two weeks but it was time to pay a visit to my favorite rheumatologist – the one I had to drive two hours to see who spent more time in the hallway with his nurses than he did with me in the examining room. I couldn’t wait to find out what amazing answers he had for me next.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Keep posted. We’re entering a new phase of the journey. It only gets harder from here, but God knows exactly what He’s doing.

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Journey of Transformation, Part 14

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Mar 112010

Emergency

The next morning Steve and I ate breakfast in my hospital room and around 9 a.m. I was discharged. After a quick stop at the pharmacy for pain medication and Gas-X we headed home. The old familiar emotions that jarred me the day before began rumbling again and I was grateful we lived only twenty minutes from Fort Campbell.

We pulled into the garage, got out of the car, and Steve opened the door to the house. With each step I felt waves of grief rising, overriding my weariness. Seconds after I stepped inside new sobs escaped for the first time in 24 hours and I released them on Steve’s shoulder.

Not having the same connection to the pregnancy, Steve was somewhat perplexed by my outburst. The whole experience was surreal to him. It might have been more mutual if he had known about the pregnancy beforehand, but men react differently.

Once the waterworks subsided I led Steve over to the end table in our living room and showed him the sonogram photo. With tears in his eyes he said, “It’s very sad.” At that point the loss became a little more tangible. However, he would never understand my trauma.

That night I developed a fever of 101-F along with severe pain in my abdomen. Ibuprofen didn’t break the fever and it rose to 101.7-F so we took off to the ER. This time I was really glad that Fort Campbell was only twenty minutes away.

After waiting a couple hours I was finally seen by a doctor. He asked several questions, looked at my medications, and glared at me when he saw the OB/GYN had prescribed Tylox for pain. With a strange blend of astonishment and anger he announced, “This is for end stage cancer patients!” I was so bewildered by his remark that I just stared back at him. I wasn’t sure if he was angry with me for not taking it (I had chosen not to because I didn’t want liver damage) or if he was floored that the doctor had prescribed such a potent drug. Whatever the case, this doc had a lousy bedside manner.

Once the happy doctor left the room Steve walked me over to the bathroom. As soon as I set foot inside I dropped to the floor. I’ll never know what caused the blackout but I was glad Steve was there to catch me. The last thing I needed was injury. Again I sensed God’s protection and provision.

We returned home around 1 a.m. and I managed to sleep through the night. Steve had been given a four-day pass from school at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, so he was able to stay for only three more days. During those days he made meals, bought take out, and monitored me to make sure I didn’t have another fever. Then he departed, reluctantly, on Wednesday, April 25, 2001.

So there I was, left with unresolved grief from a miscarriage and the unrelenting reality of lupus and hair loss. I was teetering between caring for myself and slipping into debilitating fatigue. Soon I would be in for another road trip.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Stay connected for more. Jehovah Jireh keeps on providing. The mysteries and complexities of our lives might never be clear in our time, but one thing is certain: God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9); and, His plans for our future are laced with goodness and hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

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Journey of Transformation, Part 13

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Mar 042010

A Warm Embrace

Shortly after my brief phone call with Steve two nurses arrived to anesthetize me. The friends who had faithfully stayed by my side all day were ravenous so they departed for dinner. Once they left the nurses told me to count backward from ten as they wheeled me into the operating room. In a matter of seconds I was out. It was approximately 5 p.m.

Around 6:30 p.m. I awoke trembling from shock; but the warm blankets wrapped snugly around my body felt like God’s loving embrace holding me fast. Ironically, a newborn is wrapped in a blanket before being handed to his mother. I would never know the joy of holding a newborn in my arms, but I did know the comfort of a loving Father holding me in His.

I glanced to my right and there was my friend again seated in a chair against the wall. She and the nurse had been chatting while they waited for me to wake up. It was good to see a familiar face. She followed as I was taken to my own room to spend the night. We talked for a while and she stayed until Steve arrived around 9 p.m.

With pizza in hand Steve bent down to kiss me and told me he was sorry this happened. Remarkably, I didn’t sob at that point. I was so glad to see him and I was too hungry to cry. Even though I was advised not to eat I did anyway and managed to avoid a rendezvous with the bathroom.

Once Steve was finished eating he took a moment to call my mom and asked her if she was sitting down. He told both she and my sister at the same time that I had a miscarriage and had come through surgery fine. They were stunned of course.

As I looked back on those events, I wondered why I didn’t attempt to contact Steve or my mother at some point during the day. But under those conditions, walking around in a fog, I just didn’t have the presence of mind to do it. Plus, in the process of being ushered all over the hospital I never gave it a thought. I guess I wanted to talk to Steve before talking to anyone else, but he had been in classes all day, and by the time he called I was almost ready for surgery. So that was that. Second guessing myself is useless. It’s over and done.

As Steve and I visited I began to feel a splintering pain in my abdomen that gradually intensified along with tachycardia – my heart rate soared to 130 bpm. A nurse came in, took my vitals, put an oxygen mask on me, and assessed the problem. As it turns out, all I needed was Gas-X! During any kind of internal surgery air can accumulate and get trapped. I felt like Violet Beauregarde — the girl who chewed a forbidden piece of gum in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and blew up into a blueberry-like ball.

Again, I was quick to note God’s sovereignty and provision. If this alarming event had occurred at home I probably would have panicked and made a beeline for the ER. Unfortunately, something happened the next night that forced me to do just that.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES so stay connected:

Along life’s highway we all encounter grief, heartache and challenges of various kinds in varying degrees. All of it has a higher, larger purpose than we might ever know. Nothing is lost on God, especially since He ordains these events to fulfill His purposes and plans for our lives. These events massage our hearts and souls into a pliable condition that causes us to surrender to His Lordship. It’s called transformation. We like to fight the process because it’s painful. But fighting is futile. We must submit to God and find rest for our souls.

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PWOC International Blog

Journey of Transformation, Part 23

Clash of the Specialists

Journey of Transformation, Part 22

The God of All Comfort

Journey of Transformation, Part 21

A Photo and a Bag

Journey of Transformation, Part 20

The Wait Ends

Journey of Transformation, Part 18

A Trip of Another Kind

Journey of Transformation, Part 17

Spirit Message

Journey of Transformation, Part 16

A Shock in the Mirror

Journey of Transformation, Part 15

Another Road Trip

Journey of Transformation, Part 14

Emergency

Journey of Transformation, Part 13

A Warm Embrace

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