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Journey of Transformation, Part 27

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jun 172010

God Comes Through

The day of departure had arrived. We left the hotel and drove to the Chaplain’s house where our Accord spent the night. God, knowing exactly what we would need long before our move, served up the perfect provision.

And so it goes . . .

A little background: Chaplains are endorsed by various churches or parachurch organizations that provide support and accountability in their roles as Chaplains within the military. Steve and a fellow Chaplain at Fort Campbell happened to share the same endorser. This endorser, located in South Carolina, was holding its annual conference in Colorado Springs at the Air Force Academy. Our Chaplain friend was planning to attend that conference.

Where were Steve and I headed for our compassionate PCS? Colorado Springs. And our house, which had been rented, was a mere 15-minute drive from the Academy. As it turns out, our Chaplain buddy was glad to drive our Honda Accord to Colorado Springs since he was going there anyway. We paid for his expenses and he flew back after the conference as he had originally planned. This couldn’t have worked out more perfectly for us. And, as an additional point of interest, since that conference in the summer of 2002, the endorser hasn’t held any out west.

I find all this very interesting. None of it was coincidental. It reminds me that I never have a valid reason to fret or worry. God has everything worked out in advance. He knows what I really need when I really need it and delivers it right on time.

Back to the story. My memories tend to be sketchy, but for some reason certain moments in time remain etched in my brain. I clearly remember sitting in the passenger seat of our Honda Pilot (we had traded in the Plymouth Voyager minivan for the Pilot), the door was open, and our Chaplain friend’s wife came over to the car and spoke words of encouragement to me. I was so weak, tired, and miserable that I barely responded. I nodded once, turned my head to face forward, and she closed the door. I hoped she didn’t see me as rude or indifferent but rather desperately ill.

I don’t remember the drive home other than it being long. It was the longest ride of my life. When we pulled into my parents’ driveway they were glad to see me but I just wanted to hit the sack.

The subsequent months would prove agonizing but informative. I finally would get the accurate and complete diagnosis I’d longed for.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

In a quest to develop my faith I make an effort to notice the things God does for me that I can’t do for myself. I also pay attention to His creation more. Many of us allow ourselves to get so busy that we lose sight of the beauty around us and, in effect, we lose sight of God.

This summer I’m going to pay closer attention to the birds swirling around my deck. I’m going to listen to their songs and watch the clouds float by. I’m going to breathe the fresh air and let God speak to me through His creation. I’m going to embrace a new appreciation for the obvious, yet often dismissed, blessings in my world.

This summer take time to sit. Look. Listen. Enjoy the blessings that surround you and thank God.

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Life Happens – Jesus Answers is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

Journey of Transformation, Part 26

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jun 102010

A Final Word

A couple weeks before our move to Colorado Springs, Steve preached his last sermon. It was one I had written that he tweaked to make his own, “The Hands and Feet of Ministry.”

I felt compelled to write it in response to my deep heartache over the lack of concern and compassion I’d experienced from fellow Chaplain spouses and others at Fort Campbell. For the first time in my life I was desperate, helpless, and almost hopeless. Yet, despite my plight being widely known, few people provided real help or even offered to pray with me. I felt abandoned by the body of Christ.

As I sat in the front row of that chapel and glanced around to check facial expressions, no one seemed the wiser. The message was well received. Truth be told, many people who needed to hear it didn’t attend that chapel.

Even though I had written the sermon from a place of pain there was no indication of that. It wasn’t about me and my story and no specifics were given. It was delivered from a heart of love and concern. It simply was a message that needed to be shared. And it could be shared again today – with all of us.

As the service progressed, one of the chosen hymns was “Showers of Blessing.” In light of our compassionate early PCS I felt blessed to be headed back to Fort Carson. But I needed more. I felt as though all I had experienced up to that point were trickles, drizzles, and drops of blessings. I wanted the SHOWERS!

As the days passed, my strength and energy ebbed away. I felt less human each week. I was more like a catatonic zombie. Being alive was too much trouble. My facial expressions were dull and lifeless. Sometimes I forced a smile or a short response out of consideration for the person present, but it got to the point where I was too weak to care. I just wanted to go home.

The day before our departure Steve drove our Plymouth Voyager minivan and I drove our Honda Accord to post. The 20-minute drive was all I could stand. A new level of listlessness and lethargy consumed me. We left the Accord at a Chaplain’s house overnight and stayed in a hotel.

I lay on the bed in our hotel room perplexed by the burning sensations in my legs. It felt like little fires beneath my skin. I had no painkillers. It didn’t occur to me to take prednisone for pain. I thought that was for other problems. And I didn’t want to subject myself to it again anyway. I’d have to be dying.

I wasn’t in any condition to go anywhere so Steve walked across the street to get a McDonald’s meal and he grabbed a sundae to go along with it. The ice cream temporarily soothed my emotions but it did nothing to douse the fires in my legs.

I dug through my bag and found some ibuprofen that took the edge off the burn so I could sleep. There was no way I could drive to Colorado the next day. It’s a good thing God had that little detail worked out well in advance.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

How often do we pass by a sister in need – even when we’re aware of her situation? I wonder how often I’ve done that. I hope not often. Of course, not every person can respond to every need, and certain ministry assignments are intended for certain Christians.

But I think that sometimes we refrain from helping others because we’re afraid of getting involved. We’re afraid it will require too much time or effort. Maybe we’re afraid we’ll catch their disease, or mysteriously end up with their problem. Maybe we’re so committed to “good” things that we “don’t have time” to reach out when a serious need exists. I suspect we assume other people are helping so we don’t need to.

There usually is a core group of helpers. Perhaps each of us needs to ask the Lord what our role is in the realm of helping sisters in need. Then follow through on what He says. In doing so we can be sure we’re involved where we need to be. We can avoid feeling guilty if we are instructed to refrain. We can avoid helping out of obligation. And we can maintain balance and boundaries in our own lives. The most important thing we can do is obey God’s call.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him (Colossians 3:17).

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Journey of Transformation, Part 25

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jun 042010

Alterations

On Easter Sunday in 2002 I sat at the dining room table in front of my makeup mirror. This was the first time in months that I bothered to apply makeup and the lighting revealed changes in my skin. The texture was no longer smooth and the pores were huge. It looked acne prone but no acne was present. And if that wasn’t enough, I had a beard — a thin layer of light hair or “peach fuzz” outlining my face.

That’s a steroid for ya. It turns men into women and women into men.

I was the unfortunate recipient of prednisone side effects. I’d been using the drug for six months and that was enough to cause damage. As was the case when I discovered bald spots on the back of my head on Steve’s birthday, I tried to make myself look pretty. I felt altered. It took herculean effort to muster a good attitude. I forced a smile at chapel but inside I grieved. Of course, no one else knew the difference, but no one else had my face. I hoped these changes would be reversed if I quit taking prednisone. (I will go ahead and tell you now they never were. Physical changes from prednisone usually are permanent.)

In the meantime I continued my supplement regimen hoping that it would be strong enough to hold off the disease process. But soon my hopes would be dashed. One day in the bathroom I looked down at my legs. They were covered with red-purple blotches. It looked like my blood was trying to escape. Along with this horrifying discovery came irritated elbows and knuckles. Red streaks lined my fingers. An excruciating blend of weakness, pain, and burning attacked my upper arms.

These alarming new developments prompted me to contact Tricare to see if I could get a different rheumatologist closer to Clarksville. They accommodated my request and I managed to get an appointment scheduled for June.

By the time June rolled around my condition deteriorated. Every activity was a chore. I was so listless that even holding my Bible was hard. I didn’t want to listen to the radio. Didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to watch TV. I lay there staring at the ceiling praying to God in my mind, “Lord, I’m too weary to move my lips. Read my heart.”

It wasn’t long before someone recognized the severity of my health. Steve got word that we were being sent back to Fort Carson. It was sort of a compassionate reassignment without the official title. It really was more of a compassionate early PCS. Under normal conditions we would have remained at Fort Campbell for another 6-12 months. God orchestrated this move and had the Army send us back to where I had family and access to better specialists.

Because we only had a month before moving I canceled my appointment with the rheumatologist. What was the point of getting started with a new doctor when I was leaving? I was ready to move on, ready to get back home.

God came through with provisions for our move. It was obvious he had everything worked out ahead of time. Again I would see Him acting on my behalf. Yet, I sense a question circulating, “Why did He allow this to happen to you in the first place?” That question would be answered in months to come.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

“Why?” It’s a question we find ourselves asking at times, especially when something horrible happens that seems to have no valid purpose or reason. I like to have answers. I like information. I try to figure things out. I need to know that somehow God will replace my ashes with beauty, my grief with joy (Isaiah 61:3).

What I’ve come to accept is that God will always be incomprehensible. God has a plan that involves the universe and I’m a microscopic part of that. God’s plan is something so massive and astounding that I wouldn’t understand it even if He tried to explain it to me. When I get outside myself and acknowledge the fact that life involves things much bigger than me, and recognize that God is God and that He has eternity in mind, my perspective becomes a little clearer.

All I can do is throw myself at His feet in surrender and trust that He will make all the suffering worthwhile. . . . He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end . . . (Eccles. 3:1-9).

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Journey of Transformation, Part 24

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies, Uncategorized

May 272010

God and Doctors

God doesn’t often heal people on the spot. He usually heals them through the skilled hand of a physician or surgeon, or he takes them home which is the best healing of all, or he provides other wellness professionals to combat their afflictions.

My mother introduced me to the world of natural medicine through a naturopathic physician who was knowledgeable in nutrition, holistic medicine, and homeopathic remedies. His recommendations helped her so she thought he could help me too.

Upon his first examination he concluded that dermatomyositis seemed like a possibility in a mix of connective tissue diseases. The challenge at this point was nailing it down definitively. That would require additional blood tests performed by my other doctors. But they had either done all they could within their scope of practice or refused to do more. Because the rheumatologist was stuck on lupus based on basic lab tests, he wasn’t willing to test for anything else. So we went with the lupus diagnosis which really didn’t make that much of a difference to the naturopath. Different autoimmune diseases are treated in similar ways. With a blend of multivitamins, powders, liquids, and other healthful substances I launched an attack on the disease from a different angle.

In the meantime, my primary care physician referred me to a nutritionist who concurred with the naturopath that I needed to eat more protein and healthy fats to lower my triglycerides, thereby lowering my heart disease ratio which shot off the chart. Of course this had nothing to do with my autoimmune condition but it was an important piece of information that affected my overall health. In addition, the primary care physician prescribed prednisone which seems to be the go-to drug used for autoimmune diseases. I dreaded its side effects and hoped the supplement program suggested by the naturopath would lessen the effects of the drug. I even hoped the supplements would be effective enough to control the disease so I could quit taking prednisone. That remained to be seen.

Through December and January I continued my treatment plan. By the time February 2002 rolled around Steve made plans to come get me. Turns out he didn’t end up going to Afghanistan after all. So my visit with Judy and the folks would come to an end and my care would be interrupted. At least I wasn’t attached to my rheumatologist. That was no loss. Maybe I would get a new one.

Steve and I stayed for a few days before returning home. On our road trip from Colorado to Tennessee I indulged in Goobers and Raisinettes, crackers, chips and nuts. Hey, the nutritionist and naturopath told me I needed to eat more fat and protein to lower my triglycerides. What better way is there than eating chocolate covered peanuts! I took their advice to heart. It was the yummiest and most painless remedy I’d ever have.

The ensuing months at Fort Campbell would prove interesting. Prednisone damage would show up. The disease would take a new turn. An appointment with a new rheumatologist would be missed. And a compassionate reassignment would be necessary.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

As I reflect on the events of those years I see clearly how God had everything worked out ahead of time. He does go before us preparing the way. Keep checking in each week to see what He does, how He leads, how He provides. And yes, how He takes me deeper than I’d ever gone before. There’s nothing like constant companions Sorrow and Suffering to take one deeper into the realm of inner change and surrender.

If you are enduring, or have endured, an extremely rough season in your life and you’ve never read the book Hinds’ Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard, I recommend reading it. Watch how the Chief Shepherd transforms little Much-Afraid on her journey to the high places. It will touch your heart.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights (Habakkuk 3:19).

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Journey of Transformation, Part 8

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jan 282010

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Unexpected Loss

After my first ob/gyn visit I went home still unsure what to think. The 10.5 week old fetus seemed normal but it had developed only to 9.5 weeks and the doctor’s incongruent words, tone, and body language suggested there could be a problem. With that I trusted God with the pregnancy knowing His will would be accomplished.

During the next week I continued studying my Merck Manual to read about risk factors and possible symptoms to watch for. The days progressed without incident until Friday, April 20, 2001, when as a precaution I called the doctor’s office to inquire about the light spotting I noticed.

The nurse on the other end of the line encouraged me to get checked even though the symptoms were insignificant. So I ended up at the doctor’s office at 9:30 a.m. I patiently sat in the waiting room eating an egg and a banana not expecting bad news. According to the Merck Manual my symptoms seemed harmless.

A nurse came to take my vital signs and weight. I had lost a couple pounds but certainly wasn’t trying to, especially during pregnancy. I commented on the weight loss and the nurse said many women lose weight during the first several weeks. I latched onto her reassurance like a security blanket as she led me into an examining room and asked me to change.

In short order a female ob/gyn came in to perform a sonogram. I remember lying on the table looking at the screen oblivious to the whole process. It looked different from the sonogram the week before but I still thought everything was normal. Then the ob/gyn called someone else into the room. I don’t know who this other person was. She was wearing scrubs and didn’t look like a doctor. There was no introduction and she never looked at me. She simply looked at the screen, shook her head, turned and left the room.

Perplexed, I observed all this activity without a word from anyone. Then the doctor had me look at the screen. All I could see was a white shadow. She pointed to where the heartbeat should have been and said, “There’s no heartbeat. The fetus is no longer viable.” Denial set in. How could this be? Did the equipment malfunction? How could this sonogram picture be so strikingly different from the first one? How could this fetus go from a live, active, kicking baby to a white shadowy blob in just a few days? There had been no cramping, no bleeding, no symptoms whatsoever except for minor spotting. How could this much destruction happen without any sign at all? I thought they must have made a mistake. Questions railed against the sides of my brain but I was too stunned to ask them out loud.

Shock began to set in as I laid back down on the table. Grief gradually enshrouded me with a blanket of sorrow and the atmosphere in the room grew silent and dreary. No one said anything. The male tech shoved a couple pieces of tissue in my left hand as if to declare, “I know what’s coming!” Then he and the doctor stepped out so I could get dressed.

One would think I’d just been shot in the chest or struck with a two-by-four. I was dumbfounded. But something rumbled deep in my soul that was soon to erupt.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES …

Remember, in this new day of a new month in a new year and a new decade, God is doing a new thing, and He always has the best in mind for you no matter what your circumstances might be (Isaiah 43:18-19; Romans 8:28-30). People change and things change, but Our Lord is steadfast, faithful, and unchanging. As you walk with Him this year, rely on the truth of Scripture. Rely on His consistent love and grace. Rely on His strength and stability. But most of all rely on Him.

For those of you who are new to this column, I’m in the process of sharing my personal journey of transformation that has occurred over the last decade. You can get caught up from the beginning of the journey by accessing previous entries in Life Happens – Jesus Answers under “categories.”

_______________________________

“Life Happens – Jesus Answers” is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

Journey of Transformation, Part 7

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jan 212010

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Confirmation and Concern

The first week of April 2001 Steve and I returned to Clarksville, Tennessee. Within days he headed west to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, for the last phase of school. Although friends invited me to stay with them, I chose to stay home. Besides, I had news I wasn’t willing to share yet, and I needed time to myself.

I visited my primary care doctor to verify the pregnancy, and I clearly remember the moment he returned to the exam room with test results. He handed me the printout so I could see it for myself — “Positive for HCG” — the pregnancy hormone. This doctor, the same one who suggested my autoimmune symptoms were psychosomatic, now asked an important question: “Is this good news?” “Yes,” I replied, “but I don’t know what to think. What about the lupus?” He attempted to reassure me that many women with lupus deliver healthy babies and he added a sincere “I’m happy for you.”

I walked through the hospital out to the parking lot, opened the door to our Plymouth Voyager minivan, climbed inside … and sat there. Bewildered, I prayed, “Lord, I’m happy but also concerned and confused. The timing is strange. This would be good news under better conditions, but I just don’t know what to think.”

At 35, with risk factors and a mysterious autoimmune disease, I was referred to an OB/GYN who specialized in high risk pregnancies. During the days leading up to my appointment, I read through my Merck manual to learn more about pregnancy risks in case something happened. At this point, Steve still didn’t know about the pregnancy. I wanted to tell him in person and expected the opportunity to arrive in subsequent weeks.

On Friday, April 13, 2001, I arrived at the OB/GYN’s office. I sat in the waiting room looking around at the other pregnant women, some with husbands by their side. I was the oldest in the room and felt conspicuously alone. This wasn’t the first time I was alone during a significant event nor would it be the last. So, I experienced the wonder of prenatal sonography by myself.

Floating around in amniotic fluid inside my womb was an active baby at 10.5 weeks. I could see the shape of the head, eye sockets, nose and mouth. The little arms were lifted up with hands together in a praying position. The heartbeat moved up and down gently. The legs and feet were clearly defined, kicking energetically as the baby rolled back and forth. I sensed he was a boy because he had a wide, strong back. Everything looked normal but his frantic kicking concerned me. The doctor said some babies are really active. But when he pointed out that the fetus had developed only to 9.5 weeks my heart sank. Showing no signs of concern, the doctor took a couple quick sonogram pictures and my appointment was over.

As I walked past the doctor’s desk toward the door, he spoke, “This is going to be a healthy pregnancy. Everything is going to be fine. It’s going to be good.” His tone was dull and his words were flat. It was as if he was trying to convince himself while mindlessly uttering false hope at me. I turned to look at him but he didn’t make eye contact. The incongruence of his words, tone of voice, and facial expression betrayed him and I wondered what he really thought. Still, I believed that if there was something I needed to know, he would have told me, and his words evaporated … until later.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES …

Welcome back to Life Happens – Jesus Answers in 2010. For those of you who are new to this column, I’m in the process of sharing my personal journey of transformation that has occurred over the last decade. You can get caught up from the beginning of the journey by accessing previous entries in Life Happens – Jesus Answers under “categories”.

_______________________________

Journey of Transformation, Part 5

Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Nov 192009

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Insults, Dippy Doctors, and a Road Trip

During my mysterious symptom accumulation, I landed in the office of a new primary care physician whose kindness and sensitivity were astounding. Not! After hearing me talk about my strange symptoms and the tentative diagnosis of “lupus” given by previous physicians, he examined me and asserted, “I think you have fibromyalgia which isn’t recognized by the medical community as a real condition. You are depressed and your symptoms are largely psychosomatic.” I replied, “You think these symptoms are in my head?! You think I’m making them up?” I was insulted.

How is it that I was given a fairly accurate diagnosis in Germany, then ended up at Fort Campbell with doctors who couldn’t agree? Part of the problem is that many autoimmune diseases mimic each other. Getting a final, accurate diagnosis is difficult until you have enough symptoms that fall into a certain category. It’s even harder with mixed connective tissue diseases because they can affect every part of the body. Ultimately, to be considered official, my diagnosis had to come from a rheumatologist — a doctor who specializes in autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and others.

Unfortunately, specialists like these can be hard to find. The closest one who was available to see me in a reasonable amount of time was located an unreasonable distance away … in Bowling Green, Kentucky. Oh, it was only a two-hour drive. And, it didn’t matter that this doc spent more time in the hallway talking to his nurses than he did with me in the examining room, did it? Nor did it matter that he was from the Middle East and I couldn’t understand most of what he said. Although irresponsible of him, did it really matter that he offered me samples of prescription drugs for conditions I didn’t even have? No, not really. After all, to him I wasn’t a human being with feelings. I was a number preceded by a dollar sign. He had visions of greenbacks dancing in his head.

Drives, distances, and dollar signs aside, at least this specialist guessed that I probably had some kind of autoimmune disease. Wow, what a revelation! His guess was nothing new and he arrived at it without much investigation. As a result, I still didn’t have a definitive diagnosis from a rheumatologist. I suspect this dude gladly welcomed me to his office for as long as I would endure his malpractice. I visited him a couple more times then gave up.

Toward the end of February Steve traveled to Fort Jackson, South Carolina, to attend school. By early March my condition worsened. Cooking, cleaning, and shopping rendered me breathless and exhausted. I wasn’t eating enough and spent more time in bed. Something needed to change or I would deteriorate. So, I placed Bridgette, our beagle, in a friend’s care and managed to hitch a ride to Fort Jackson with a military family. They “just so happened” to be heading the direction I needed to go. Yeah, right. It was no accident. God is totally in control of everything. This was just one example of the Lord’s timely provision along this journey.

While Steve was in classes I had plenty of time to read and pray. Each day I sat in a cozy chair by the window and looked out toward the evergreens in the distance. They reminded me of the trees at Ramstein Air Base in Germany. It was beautiful there. I love God’s creation, and I dreamed of one day living in a place that had beautiful trees.

In the meantime, resting had top priority while new symptoms grabbed my attention. What I had experienced thus far paled in comparison to what lie ahead. This journey was about to lead me down Heartbreak Road.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Women of PWOC, stay connected! Life Happens – Jesus Answers will resume with the “Journey of Transformation, Part 6,” on Thursday, January 14, 2010. The Blog will be featuring posts on Thanksgiving and Advent over the next 6 weeks. Be sure to enjoy them and share them with your family and friends.

During this season, be sure to cherish the precious moments you have with your families, and reflect on the grace and provision that God extended to you in 2009.

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy 2010 to all of you! When you’re walking through the commissary or down the street in your neighborhood, wish everyone you meet a “Merry Christmas!” After all, it’s only because of Christ that we have a reason to celebrate.

_____________________

PWOC International Blog

Journey of Transformation, Part 27

God Comes Through

Journey of Transformation, Part 26

A Final Word

Journey of Transformation, Part 25

Alterations

Journey of Transformation, Part 24

God and Doctors

Journey of Transformation, Part 8

Unexpected Loss

Journey of Transformation, Part 7

Confirmation and Concern

Journey of Transformation, Part 5

Insults, Dippy Doctors, and a Road Trip

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