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Journey of Transformation, Part 22

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

May 132010

The God of All Comfort

On the heels of the Halloween caper were more joy-filled moments. Judy and I got to spend a lot of time together which wouldn’t have happened under different circumstances. We listened to my Matthew Ward CD for a dose of encouragement and inspiration, and we heard good Bible teaching from the likes of Dr. Charles Stanley, Chuck Swindoll, and others. We clung to the words of hope spoken by these godly men as if clinging to life itself.

God will often give me a message from a sound preacher or teacher at just the right time to affirm something He’s taught me, or to encourage my heart. Back in November 2001 He did that through Chuck Swindoll. Chuck described trials other people had endured as he worked through 2 Corinthians 1:3-11, a passage titled The God of All Comfort.

At that time I was miserable, thin and weak, had calcifications developing on my knuckles and toes, and burning fingers that had to be covered with band aids every day. Although this wasn’t anywhere near how bad my condition would get, it was bad enough and it was all I knew.

As I listened to Chuck speak Paul’s words to the Corinthian church I was able to relate. He described much suffering including physical and emotional anguish. In verse 8 Paul mentioned the hardships he and his cohorts endured while in Asia and he even said, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.” I had those moments. I despaired of life itself.

But I had hope. I knew without a doubt that God had plans to use my tribulation to comfort and encourage other people. Eventually He would turn this ordeal into something purposeful, worthwhile, and life changing. When? I had no idea. How? That was an even greater mystery. The answers to those questions would be revealed at a later time, but there was an immediate purpose for me and my sister made clear in verse 9: “Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” Despite the urgency of our trials, God wanted us to rely on Him, not on the obvious earthly sources. Namely, doctors, ourselves, or other people. He is the source of all.

The pain we endure always has a purpose. Wrenching our brains to figure it out is futile as I have learned. But I’m desperate for purpose and meaning. I need to know that every bit of misery, loss, heartache, anguish, illness, weakness, hardship, and agony will produce something useful not only for me but for others. Isn’t that why we’re here?

First and foremost we’re here to be in relationship with God through Jesus Christ, but we are the tools He uses to minister to others. Quite often it’s our mutual suffering that lends us credibility with those who need His touch. He has invited us to partner with Him in His grand scheme of salvation and redemption. Through this partnership He uses our suffering.

I felt a call, a purpose, back then. As my body grew weaker my heart grew stronger with the expectation that God would use me one day to make a difference in the lives of others. In the meantime, I had a rocky road ahead of me and I don’t mean ice cream. The clash of the specialists was next.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

2 Corinthians 1:10-11, “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”

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Life Happens – Jesus Answers is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

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Journey of Transformation, Part 21

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

May 062010

(For those just joining us, here’s a brief recap of major issues that arose between January 2000 and April 2001: Red facial rash; swollen, inflamed gum tissue; fatigue; increasing weakness in my legs; weight loss; significant hair loss with bald spots; and the new development of hard white lumps under my skin that caused severe pain. The tentative diagnoses were systemic lupus erythematosis, Raynaud’s syndrome, and hypothyroidism.)

A Photo and a Bag

It was October 2001 and the time had come for me to renew my driver’s license. I adorned myself with a hat to hide the humiliating appearance of my head. The red rash on my face had worsened and my nose was swollen. I had cut my hair to get rid of the straggles but it looked scary anyway.

Mom took me to the DMV. When picture time came I pleaded with the woman to let me leave my hat on, but no, I had to take it off. There I was with no hat, flat sparse hair, red rash and swollen nose. To top it off I had a mark on my forehead from the hat rim.

The woman behind the camera was ready to shoot. I was ready to die. I fought to hold back the tears as I cracked an obligatory smile. Click. Beautiful. For nine years I’ve had that license in my wallet. Fortunately, I haven’t had to pull it out very often. I guess that’s why I never thought to get the photo retaken. Besides, I was too sick to care.

The really sad part about my appearance at the time is that I looked like the actor Michael Keaton as his character Beetlejuice, especially when my hair was freshly washed and stood straight up. That was my perception which might have been slightly distorted through the lens of a broken self image.

On a lighter note, through the pain and misery there were moments of relief and fun. When Halloween arrived, my mother decided that she, my sister, my aunt and I should go trick or treating through the townhome complex.

Back then Wal-Mart used grocery bags that had big smiley faces on them. Mom got each of us a Wal-Mart bag to put over our head. I had no qualms about putting a bag over my head after the incident at the DMV so I willingly went along with the plan.

My only concern was that neighbors might have thought we were killers coming to get them since we weren’t exactly children. And instead of handing us treats they’d call the cops and we’d spend Halloween in jail. In light of this we only rang doorbells of those neighbors my parents knew.

When we rang the first doorbell a man answered. His eyes expanded, his eyebrows rose, his mouth opened and before he could say anything my mother announced, “Hi Bill. It’s Elaine. Trick or Treat!” The shock took a moment to lift. Then a glimmer of light crossed his face as recognition of a name he’d heard before landed on his lips, “Oh, Elaine. I wondered who was at my door. The Wal-Mart bags are cute.”

Whew. See what I’m saying. That was a close call. Bill’s immediate reaction was exactly what I’d feared. Fortunately Mom spoke up before something really scary could happen. To avoid frightening the entire complex we only went to two other houses. These folks appeared equally stunned. At the last house we took off our bags and had a good laugh.

I find it fascinating that during some of the worst times in my life I’ve had some of the brightest moments. That’s God’s way of easing a heavy burden and showing me how to live with peace and joy in the midst of suffering. Only He can make that happen.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Stay connected for more. There is joy and blessing woven through the trial. But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. Job 36:15

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Journey of Transformation, Part 20

Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies, Uncategorized

Apr 292010

The Wait Ends

The lab results finally came and they were normal. Soon morphine infused into my IV would provide relief. But the pain got so far ahead of me that two milligrams did nothing to ease it. Four milligrams didn’t work. Six milligrams helped. I had a total of eight. I knew that amount would make me sick.

To the nurse standing next to my lovely black plastic bed I said, “I think I’ll need an anti-nausea medication.” What did he say? “Okay. Let me know if you think you’re gonna throw up.” Then he departed.

Possible responses swirled around my brain with nowhere to land. This is what I should have said: “Okay, no problem. At the moment I sense I’m going to hurl I’ll jump off this bed and go on a nurse hunt. I’m sure I’ll find you in time for you to gather the supplies, get the doctor’s permission, accompany me back to the bed, and inject the medication into my IV. By then the nausea will have subsided and all will be well. I’m sure that’s how this will go down.”

Moments later it all came up. A big splash of water and morphine erupted from my stomach. It landed on the black plastic bed. Since there was no food in my stomach it wasn’t as miserable as barfing after a big meal. Even so, a technician had to clean it up. She was lucky it was fluid, not chunks.

Forgive my sarcasm. I have a hard time with stupidity. Comedian Bill Engvall has it right when he says, “Here’s your sign.” Sometimes people say and do things that just don’t make any sense. Excuse me but vomit won’t wait. When the stomach is ready to expel its contents you don’t have a choice but to let her rip. Any nurse ought to know that.

After my episode of expulsion I understood firsthand why the beds were covered with thick black plastic and not lovely linens. Someone would end up doing a lot of laundry, and who has time for laundry when they’re busy saving lives and killing pain? And at last my pain was killed. There’s nothing like relief from prolonged severe pain.

God can do that in our hearts and souls. He has a way of easing intense heartache so we don’t slide into despair. I would experience this in years to come. For now — October 2001 — I had to tend to my thumb.

Had I been able to see the future this trip to the ER would have seemed like a trip to Disneyland. The worst phase of my transformational journey was on its way.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

We live in a desperately broken world. It’s easy to lose hope and enter periods of grief at every turn if we let ourselves. Our only true hope is found in Jesus Christ who has warned us of trials and tribulations, but who also has overcome them — I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

When I feel overcome by suffering or grief, or I’m angry at God, or I don’t feel like praying, I force myself to grab my Bible and open to the Psalms. Supernaturally, as I read, I feel the tension in my body subside and God’s indescribable peace soothes me. Some of my favorites: Psalm 10, 18, 25, 27, 31, 35, 37, 40, 41, 55-57, 91, 103, 139-145. Dive in to the book of Psalms this week and let the Holy Spirit soothe your soul with His peace.

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Journey of Transformation, Part 19

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Apr 222010

Waiting for Relief

The ER doctor inquired while assessing the condition of my thumb,“Why is your thumb black and how long has it been that way?” My response eased his furrowed brow, “My mother thought that applying a poultice to the area would draw out any infection. We just applied it today.”

Now more amused than concerned, he stated, “At least the black color isn’t from necrotic tissue. I thought you might lose your thumb.” Then he proceeded to clean off the sticky black stuff and asked me to sit in the waiting area – without pain killers.

Dad and I took seats. We waited. We sat. We waited more. I don’t think the ER staff took me seriously. Eight hours went by and the tears rolled. During those hours I never saw anyone having a heart attack or bleeding profusely. Those cases are always taken first. If they aren’t present who goes next? Apparently people in extreme pain go last.

It was hard to tell why the other people were there. They sat calmly like they were waiting for haircuts. None of them appeared to be hurting. Was I dismissed because my excruciating pain came from an area the size of a large pin head? Did the size matter in their minds? Did they think I was a wimp with a low pain threshold? That’s how I felt.

Finally, around 8 p.m. I was taken to an area partitioned by a curtain and told to lie down on a bed covered with thick black plastic. It was creepy. It reminded of death. I waited more. Then a male nurse wearing light green scrubs came in. He took my vital signs and asked with an air of doubt, “All this pain is coming from that?” as he gawked at my extended thumb.

My response to that insensitive nurse was a simple “yes” but if I had to relive that moment I would say something like this: “Yeah. Go get me an ice pick. Hold out your thumb. I’ll be glad to demonstrate for you how much pain you can have from an area this small!” I didn’t need questions and doubts. I needed morphine!

Once I had been placed behind the curtain I expected quick relief. But they had to take blood. Then they had to wait for results. All this time I waited – again without pain killers. They always like to get results before medicating a patient. Why? I don’t know. Maybe to test liver and kidney function to see if the organs can process the drug safely.

The day was so long and tiring I don’t remember if I prayed. I was too miserable to do anything but clench my teeth and cry. This was the first of several visits to the ER and it wasn’t over.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Why is life filled with pain? Sin. We have Adam and Eve to thank for trips to the ER. Otherwise we’d be enjoying pain-free living. As we all know, life brings more than physical pain. It brings emotional, mental, and even spiritual pain. Hard experiences can cause us to close our hearts toward God, especially when they seem to be without any worthwhile purpose. That’s when we are forced to choose – do we withdraw from Him or trust Him?

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Life Happens – Jesus Answers is a ongoing weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

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Journey of Transformation, Part 18

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Apr 152010

A Trip of Another Kind

August 2001 arrived and my parents came to Tennessee to visit. Dad planned to see his brother, my Uncle Wayne. Mom, being a former realtor, was interested in seeing homes in the area just for kicks. We didn’t have a spare bedroom so they stayed at the Best Western. Our little rented house had just enough room for me, Steve, and Bridgette.

Steve was expected to depart for Afghanistan so I rode back to Colorado with Mom and Dad following their brief visit. My sister Judy lived with them at the time. We were stunned when she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. How strange that both of us would be hit with autoimmune diseases at the same time. We distinctly remembered a conversation we’d had a year earlier. While sitting around with family in my parents’ living room we expressed sympathy over problems other people were having. We marveled, with gratitude, that our family didn’t have any major traumas up to that point.

Was there something wrong with having a grateful heart? Does gratitude breed affliction, suffering, and sorrow? It was as if our expressions of gratitude triggered some bizarre chain of events. Like we were being punished, or challenged, for being grateful. Did God perceive it as prideful? We weren’t proud. We were relieved. It felt like He couldn’t possibly let us slide by without problems – as if everyone had to endure hardship at some point. Were we not dedicated enough to Him? What in the world did we do wrong? We couldn’t figure out what was happening. The timing was strange.

Have you ever said something and wished you could take it back? That’s how I felt about my expressions of gratitude. Was it possible that in our hearts we believed we must have been doing something right in order to escape God’s chastisement? Was that so horrible? There was no judgment or condemnation toward the other people. There was no comparison. We just felt grateful. Did these afflictions even have anything to do with what we did or didn’t do? Or was it just part of God’s plan for our lives that happened to manifest itself at that particular time? Questions mounted but answers remained elusive. Clearly, I had a lot to learn about God and how He operates in our lives. Lessons would be learned as devastation increased.

One September morning I discovered a strange white spot on the ball of my left thumb. It couldn’t be squeezed like a pimple. Nothing would come out. It began to hurt. Mom, in all her wisdom, suggested that I put a poultice on it to draw out what appeared to be pus. It didn’t work. The pain increased and nothing could extinguish it. When it approached an intolerable level I announced to my dad that we better take a trip to the ER at the Air Force Academy.

What transpired that day was just the beginning of inexplicable misery to come.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

When you don’t know why something is happening and you feel like you’re being punished, cast your cares on Jesus. Get real. Get honest. Don’t be afraid of irreverence. He created you. He knows what’s in your heart already. Express it. He’s the only one you can safely unload your burdens on. He’s the only one who can do anything about your problem, and He has a reason for allowing it. Cry out to Him and let Him take you deeper into the realm of spiritual maturity and intimacy.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

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Journey of Transformation, Part 17

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Apr 082010

Spirit Message

When I discovered the bald spots on the back of my head I still had a red rash on my face, sensitivity to cold, numb fingers and toes, and swollen gums. Through the pregnancy and miscarriage none of these symptoms lifted. I merely took a detour that weakened my immune system further. The questions I posed to God about this trial wouldn’t be answered for years.

Not fully comprehending why all this was happening, I petitioned the Lord, “Father, I realize you’re allowing this trial for a reason because everything you bring into my life has purpose. I don’t know what’s in store, nor do I know how long it will last. Please let it last as long as necessary so I learn the lesson this time and don’t have to repeat it later.”

I didn’t pray that prayer expecting a response – at least not immediately. Yet I knew that in the process of walking this path the Lord would honor my request. I knew somehow I would persevere. I knew I would emerge a better person. But I was stunned to hear what the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, “It’ll last about five years.”

Whoa. Did that really just happen? I couldn’t recall a time when I’d received such a strong, clear message from the Spirit. I stood staring at the wall in my bathroom hesitating to believe what I’d heard was real. It came so far from left field that it had to be God. I wasn’t on medication. I wasn’t making it up. The message clearly came from the Spirit.

At the time I didn’t know how great a gift this message was. How often does God clue people in to the duration of their suffering? I’ve never heard another person share anything like that. Maybe they’re afraid people would accuse them of creating a story. Why would someone make it up? What would be the point?

I never shared my blessed revelation with anyone, but that wasn’t a conscious decision, I just didn’t think about it. This precious jewel from God was intended to be kept between the two of us, hidden in the recesses of my soul. It was a gift He planted deep within designed to see me through the darkness ahead.

In the coming months my symptoms held steady but I was too weary to cook or keep house. My primary care doctor had no real answers and the rheumatologist remained clueless. In late summer 2001 Steve was informed he’d be going to Afghanistan.

Okay, now that was a place I definitely couldn’t hitch a ride to. Was it time for another road trip? Where would I end up this time?

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade–kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:3-7

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Journey of Transformation, Part 8

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jan 282010

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Unexpected Loss

After my first ob/gyn visit I went home still unsure what to think. The 10.5 week old fetus seemed normal but it had developed only to 9.5 weeks and the doctor’s incongruent words, tone, and body language suggested there could be a problem. With that I trusted God with the pregnancy knowing His will would be accomplished.

During the next week I continued studying my Merck Manual to read about risk factors and possible symptoms to watch for. The days progressed without incident until Friday, April 20, 2001, when as a precaution I called the doctor’s office to inquire about the light spotting I noticed.

The nurse on the other end of the line encouraged me to get checked even though the symptoms were insignificant. So I ended up at the doctor’s office at 9:30 a.m. I patiently sat in the waiting room eating an egg and a banana not expecting bad news. According to the Merck Manual my symptoms seemed harmless.

A nurse came to take my vital signs and weight. I had lost a couple pounds but certainly wasn’t trying to, especially during pregnancy. I commented on the weight loss and the nurse said many women lose weight during the first several weeks. I latched onto her reassurance like a security blanket as she led me into an examining room and asked me to change.

In short order a female ob/gyn came in to perform a sonogram. I remember lying on the table looking at the screen oblivious to the whole process. It looked different from the sonogram the week before but I still thought everything was normal. Then the ob/gyn called someone else into the room. I don’t know who this other person was. She was wearing scrubs and didn’t look like a doctor. There was no introduction and she never looked at me. She simply looked at the screen, shook her head, turned and left the room.

Perplexed, I observed all this activity without a word from anyone. Then the doctor had me look at the screen. All I could see was a white shadow. She pointed to where the heartbeat should have been and said, “There’s no heartbeat. The fetus is no longer viable.” Denial set in. How could this be? Did the equipment malfunction? How could this sonogram picture be so strikingly different from the first one? How could this fetus go from a live, active, kicking baby to a white shadowy blob in just a few days? There had been no cramping, no bleeding, no symptoms whatsoever except for minor spotting. How could this much destruction happen without any sign at all? I thought they must have made a mistake. Questions railed against the sides of my brain but I was too stunned to ask them out loud.

Shock began to set in as I laid back down on the table. Grief gradually enshrouded me with a blanket of sorrow and the atmosphere in the room grew silent and dreary. No one said anything. The male tech shoved a couple pieces of tissue in my left hand as if to declare, “I know what’s coming!” Then he and the doctor stepped out so I could get dressed.

One would think I’d just been shot in the chest or struck with a two-by-four. I was dumbfounded. But something rumbled deep in my soul that was soon to erupt.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES …

Remember, in this new day of a new month in a new year and a new decade, God is doing a new thing, and He always has the best in mind for you no matter what your circumstances might be (Isaiah 43:18-19; Romans 8:28-30). People change and things change, but Our Lord is steadfast, faithful, and unchanging. As you walk with Him this year, rely on the truth of Scripture. Rely on His consistent love and grace. Rely on His strength and stability. But most of all rely on Him.

For those of you who are new to this column, I’m in the process of sharing my personal journey of transformation that has occurred over the last decade. You can get caught up from the beginning of the journey by accessing previous entries in Life Happens – Jesus Answers under “categories.”

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“Life Happens – Jesus Answers” is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

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Journey of Transformation, Part 3

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Nov 052009

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Doctor! Doctor!

In July 2000 we packed our household goods, cleaned our apartment, moved into the Ray Barracks guest house, and eagerly anticipated our PCS to Fort Campbell, Kentucky. My “lupus” symptoms hadn’t changed. As far as I could tell, the condition remained isolated to my gum tissue, and I kept hoping it would go away.

By the end of August we were settled into our little rented house in Clarksville, Tennessee, and I began exercising. I felt fine and seemed relatively healthy except for the red rash that appeared across my nose and cheeks. I looked like Mrs. Tomato Head, especially after exercising. Needless to say, I was embarrassed to be seen at the fitness center.

In September the skin on my hands became extremely sensitive. It felt like third-degree sunburn each time I handled the window shade cords or attempted to tie my shoelaces. Any object with a ridged or slightly rough texture caused a burning sensation. When October brought three raised red bumps to my forehead, it was time to get this mysterious disease investigated more thoroughly. Unfortunately, my first few visits to primary care doctors and physicians’ assistants (PAs) resulted in frustration and serious doubt about the medical profession. The first doctor told me the skin changes would subside in a couple weeks and not to worry about them. One PA told me I had rosacea (reddening of the facial skin that usually occurs in older adults). My eyes got big, my anger rose up, my mouth wanted to yell, “You have got to be kidding me! This isn’t rosacea! You’re not serious, are you?” Instead, I simply asked, “Are you sure this isn’t something more like lupus? After all, that’s what other doctors have suggested.” Then she shot a wide-eyed gaze at me as if I had no business questioning her. Gimme a break. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

Eventually I landed in the office of a dermatologist who actually seemed to give a rip. Results of a skin biopsy led him also to “suspect” lupus. At this stage it only appeared to be discoid lupus – a less serious form that remains isolated to the skin. He did warn me, though, that it could become systemic, meaning full-blown Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE). Hadn’t I heard that before from a certain periodontist in Hanau, Germany? Hmmm … I vaguely recall … Yes! Now two different doctors agreed with each other. In order to halt the progression of the disease, the dermatologist prescribed a drug called Plaquenil, an anti-malarial drug, interestingly enough. Did it help? I don’t remember, but I didn’t get malaria! Whew. Close call.

Following one of those uplifting dermatology appointments, I went to the restroom and examined my face in the mirror. Fear of the unknown swirled around within me as denial rose to the surface and evaporated. Reality was staring back at me. I inquired of the Lord, “Father, what’s happening to me? Is this rash going to scar me for life? Will it ever go away? Will I ever be the same? How long will this last?” The reflection in the mirror was of someone I never saw before and didn’t care to see repeatedly. I recalled the days when people complimented my skin. After this, could anyone bear to look at me?

God had the answers to my questions, and He chose to reveal them one step at a time, one symptom at a time, one day, one month, and one year at a time. The trial before me would be treacherous. It’s a good thing I didn’t know what was next.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Women of PWOC, stay connected! In the coming weeks I will continue sharing my Journey of Transformation from being wounded and angry to healed and thriving. My purpose in sharing this story is to glorify God, to show the truth about Him, to display His goodness and provision in the midst of suffering, and to give you hope. No matter where you find yourself at this time in your life, be assured that God is trustworthy and faithful despite how you feel about Him. He does have good plans for you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).

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Journey of Transformation, Part 1

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Oct 222009

Cry of Desperation

As I walked around the apartment in Friedberg, Germany, I cried out to God to help me overcome damage from the past. Pacing back and forth, Bible in hand, I read Romans 12:2 aloud, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

The year was 1999 and I had reached a point of desperation. Decades of dissatisfaction with myself brought personal interrogation: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be different? Why do I get so angry? Why am I so unhappy? Nine years earlier I was on a quest to get these questions answered with the help of a qualified Christian counselor, but I moved away and neglected to continue my quest. As a result, unresolved anger, bitterness and resentment took up residence in my soul. They enjoyed each other’s company like members of a sick, twisted, dysfunctional family. Their father, Satan, used them to full advantage.

The Enemy of my soul succeeded in rendering me depressed, unmotivated, insecure, confused, fragmented, and ineffective. This swirling brew of footholds trapped me in a pit of muck and mire. In Scripture, muck, or mud, and mire represent anything that entraps us like quicksand (Psalm 69:14). In my case, these footholds began developing early in life. An unhealthy, discouraging childhood shaped me into a miserable woman with no sense of self, no clear identity, no sense of purpose or value or worth. As more damage accumulated, the footholds became strongholds binding me in a straight jacket of lies and false beliefs. I believed I was unworthy, bad, wrong, inadequate, inferior, helpless and hopeless. My victim mentality gave Satan more power over me. The lies and false beliefs he planted in my brain affected every area of my life.

I needed help but didn’t know where to turn. Germany wasn’t exactly brimming with Christian counselors, and I didn’t feel comfortable going to a secular social worker or anyone in the military system. What would people think? Feeling isolated and alone, I continued down the path I’d been on – praying for God to deliver me while attempting to make changes in my own strength. My changes were false and temporary, directed from the outside in. I felt like some unknown force had a grip on me so powerful, so deeply rooted, that I couldn’t break free … no matter what I did.

My superficial attempts at behaving differently, changing my attitudes, and being more positive resulted in failure and frustration. Only Jesus, through the work of the Holy Spirit, had the power to transform me from the inside out. Fortunately, I was at the place where I acknowledged having a problem and I sought God’s deliverance. However, my approach and expectations were unrealistic. I didn’t just beg God to change me. I expected Him to reach down inside my soul and supernaturally pull out the strongholds. I wanted Him to heal me on the spot … or shortly after my pleading began. Yeah, right. He had a very different plan – a plan I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Women of PWOC, stay connected! In the coming weeks I will continue sharing my Journey of Transformation from being wounded and angry to healed and thriving. My purpose in sharing this story is to glorify God, to show the truth about Him, to display His goodness and provision in the midst of suffering, and to give you hope. No matter where you find yourself at this time in your life be assured that God is trustworthy and faithful despite how you feel about Him. He does have good plans for you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).

LauraFirtko

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Journey of Transformation, Part 20

The Wait Ends

Journey of Transformation, Part 19

Waiting for Relief

Journey of Transformation, Part 18

A Trip of Another Kind

Journey of Transformation, Part 17

Spirit Message

Journey of Transformation, Part 8

Unexpected Loss

Journey of Transformation, Part 3

Doctor! Doctor!

Journey of Transformation, Part 1

Cry of Desperation

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