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Three Steps to Getting Rid of My Inner Wimp

Bits & Pieces, Life Happens Jesus Answers

May 132012

You have probably heard the phrase, “I need to get in touch with my inner self.” These days, I am trying to get out of touch with one aspect of my inner self…My Inner Wimp.

Here I am, wrapping up one adventure, one phase of my life, and getting ready to fly into a new adventure in Virginia. Times of transition call for faith, flexibility, adventurousness, boldness, and energy. I want to arrive ready to blaze new trails, unpack numerous moving boxes, meet new people, attend to the billion and one details that go with helping kids get settled, and so on and so on. I want to hit the ground with my TACA (Transition and Adjustment to Change Accelerator) armed and ready to fire.

So back to My Inner Wimp.

Where does this girl come from? Why does she pop her unwelcome head up at a second’s notice, right when I am feeling good about things and feeling ready to conquer? She slips silently in the back door of my thoughts and sneakily plants something like, “You won’t be able to…, What will you do without….., You’ve made a mistake…, It’s going to be cold there…, You’re going to spend half your life sitting in traffic…., Kids do drugs there…blah-blah-blah….”

Once My Inner Wimp gets a word in, it’s amazing how my entire seemingly rational thought capability stands at attention, revs its engines and races off with breath-taking speed. It doesn’t seem to matter if I tell My Inner Wimp to shut up and get out. She speaks with an uncanny influence—even though most of what she says is untrue, often ridiculous impressions that are enshrouded in the fog of “what if…”

Last week I decided I was done letting this girl weigh me down with anxious thoughts and the unsettled feelings that change can bring. I borrowed a TACA from one of my Moving Goddess Friends, and fired off several rounds. I blasted that girl right out the front door of my thoughts and slammed the door shut. Feeling sassy and relieved, I went on about my business of getting ready to move.

She snuck back in the bathroom window a few days later.

Slowly, but surely, God is teaching me ways to deal with my Inner Wimp.

Three Steps to Getting Rid of My Inner Wimp:

1. Recognize when My Inner Wimp has slipped into my thoughts.

2. Identify the distortion in what I am thinking—separate fact from fiction—truth from supposition, real from imaginary, logical from irrational, seen from the unseen. You see, My Inner Wimp loves to magnify and over blow one small issue, making it feel all important. This distorted hyper-focus takes my eyes off the big picture and tempts me to think as if God is smaller than He is and the issue is bigger than it is. In many ways, it is an up-side down view of life. It’s kind of like looking at a beautiful painting and obsessing about one blade of grass that didn’t turn out right.

3. Change my focus. Many things are a matter of perception. I need to see clearly–to look at the right thing. I have to purposefully take my focus off what My Inner Wimp says and fix my attention on Christ. Hebrews 12: 2 puts it this way…” fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith…”

Have you ever thought about what an amazing gift God-focused perspective is?

When I see clearly, I can walk confidently.

As I think about this, the Spirit reminds me of that the righteous will live by faith, not by sight… (Romans 1:17) which includes all the worries that My Inner Wimp tries to glue the eye-balls of my attention to. The following verse is great ammo for blasting out My Inner Wimp:

What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Matthew 6:31-33 The Message

My Inner Wimp may show up, but she is not welcome to stay.

Ginger Harrington

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Sanity in a Three-Ring Binder…Priceless!

Bits & Pieces, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers

May 062012

“Commit your works to the LORD and your plans will be established.” Proverbs 16:3

“The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty.” Proverbs 21:5

Anything that requires planning and organization on my part is definitely a matter for prayer! This is why God gave me a husband and some good friends who are good at this kind of thing. Slowly, but surely, I am learning from their example.

Larissa’s Moving Notebook

One of the things that I love about this gal is her ability to make the ordinary into something special. I knew better than to ask her why she would take the time to make such a lovely cover, cause I already know the answer. “If it looks good, it will motivate me to use it.” Bingo! I like that philosophy, even if I don’t have time or the inclination to do such a thing. Unlike my notebook, her sections are nicely labeled and the sections are well on their way to being full.

Notice the lovely map of Oahu

Here’s a list of Larissa’s tabs:

Orders
Moving Calendar
Checklists
Pets
Housing for New Location
Shipments (including the inventory of her last move and storage inventory)
Car Storage and Transport
Travel Arrangements/Itinerary
Last Things to Do (places, people, and purchases)
Information on New Location
Miscellaneous–gotta have one of those!
Moving Tips

And of course, don’t forget those important documents like passports, power-of-attorney, birth certificates, wills, and shot records. You might not keep these in your notebook, but it is important to have an organized way to hand carry these with you. Accordion files are great for this.

As we were chatting about the whole notebook thing, Larissa shared some of her notebook wisdom with me:

1. You have paperwork all in one place.

2. You can look back to refer to what worked and what didn’t work on the last move. This is key for those of us who seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.

3. With each move you can build on good information and eventually work your way up to Moving Goddess status–a little-known-but-elite corps of military wives who have moving down to both an art and a science.

4. Here’s a good one: Being able to find information and paperwork when you need it saves marital squabbling over misplaced documents. Ohh…not good. Moving is stressful enough without stressing where the furniture inventory or the hotel reservation numbers are.

5. You are prepared to share great information with others–another fine trait of the Moving Goddess. If you can’t be one, it sure is handy to know one!

6. Sanity in a three-ring binder…priceless.

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“I Am Worn Out”

Bits & Pieces, Devotions, Life Happens Jesus Answers, regional review

Mar 152012

As I sat at my desk pondering what my blog would say, I laid my head down and wept just calling out to God because I am just “worn out”. I was home from the mainland ten days when there was a Red Cross message sent to my husband – his mother was in ICU, come home immediately. The next two weeks was a haze for me: hospital visits, cooking for 12 people, cleaning, grocery store, sleepless nights, hubby got very sick, etc…How could I not be “worn out”. (Mother-in-law pulled through. She is back at pulmonary rehab. Praise be to God and everyone’s prayers.)

God and his infinite wisdom knows what we need at the right time. I will be facilitating a new study at PWOC titled “Brave – Honest Questions Women Ask” by Angela Thomas. As I was preparing the first session, it is titled “I Am Worn Out”. Laughing, I listened to the video and opened up my Bible, I learned how to take this “worn out” body and restore it.

Here is a statement from the book: “Sometimes it literally feels like I have a huge weight pushing down on top of me. A heaviness follows me from room to room. Sometimes it’s physical. Sometimes emotional. Sometimes I am too numb to tell the difference.” (This is me in a nutshell) God’s word says: “The man declares, I am weary, O God, I am weary, O God and worn out.” Proverbs 30:1 ESV So I stood up and I shouted, “I am not superwoman! I need your help God”.

As I continued to listen to Angela Thomas, she gave me steps to restore my body, mind and soul. “Come to me, all of you, who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 So I took the following steps to heart:

Take the Sabbath day to refresh your body, spirit and soul. Hebrews 4:9-10
Repentance leads to refreshing. Acts 3:19
If you walk in the good way, your soul will rest. Jeremiah 6:16
Godly friends restore your soul. I Corinthians 16:18

One of my favorite verses tells me: “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall: but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31

I am turning to God, I am going to rest on the Sabbath, I am going to walk in the “good way” and I will spend time with my godly friends. Here is to restoring my “worn out” body, mind and soul.

Jody Garcia

Pacific Region PWOC President

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God Is Moving In Japan

Bits & Pieces, Life Happens Jesus Answers, regional review

Mar 112012

Many of us have been experiencing various emotions as the anniversary of 3.11.11 approached. It’s been a year since the triple disaster of a 9. Earthquake, an unbelievable tsunami, and a nuclear disaster hit our host country. On our installations many voluntarily evacuated and some were sent home early not to return. We do not want to be a people living in the past…but it is fitting to reflect. Consider the words below from OMF International (formerly China Inland Mission).

As you reflect, consider God has been faithful! New doors of ministry are open. Many of us have grown in intimacy with Abba through the events of the past year. Personally, I’ve learned to follow His lead in a much more vulnerable and intimate way when there is little left to trust but His very presence. I challenge us all to continue to let His light shine in this unique time of history.

It has been humbling to serve with you at this time. I have been in awe of His grace as I hear of the ways various individuals and groups have gotten involved with the ongoing relief and rebuilding efforts in our host country.

Truly God IS on the move in Japan. God persists. Hope Persists! I pray the life of Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, flow into these communities and our installations with as much reality as the tsunami did a year ago.

De’Etta Goecker

PWOC Japan Region, President

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Our Burden Bearer

Bits & Pieces, Devotions, Life Happens Jesus Answers

Feb 052012

Our prayer focus verse this month is Matthew 11:28-29 where Jesus said, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.”

If I marched in with a loaded rucksack today, you would know that I was carrying a heavy burden because my face would be contorted and I would be huffing and puffing. I’m not used to that kind of weight.

Soldiers who are used to marching for miles with that heavy weight on their backs look fine. They sweat because the load is heavy, yet they go for miles and miles without a break. They have been trained to carry a heavy load and they are used to it.

Just like soldiers on a march, there are burdens we carry around that we have become accustomed to. But, it is not part of God’s design for His people. Fear, anxiety, shame, secret sin, unforgiveness, trials at home or with others, frustrations, … the list goes on and on.

Think about what burdens you. Sometimes we are so used to a load, we think it’s our lot in life to carry this load. Some of us are carrying several rucksacks at once. May the Holy Spirit reveal those loads we were not meant to carry.

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you. He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.” (Psalm 55:22) Do not be like the guy who was walking along a dusty road with a load on his back. Another man came along in a pick up truck and offered to give him a ride. The man however kept the load on his back. The driver stopped and said, “Put your load in the back of the truck.” “Oh no”, said the man. “It is very kind of you to give me a ride, but I do not want you to carry my load too.” It is just as foolish for us to persist in carrying our own load when the Lord, who is carrying us, stands ready to carry the burden for us.

Jot down any burdens that God may reveal to you that you need to give to Him. When you are done, bring those burdens to the Lord. Perhaps you can create a special place to put them like in a special box. The act of casting your burden on the Lord is something God wants you to remember. By releasing your burden to the Lord, it becomes an offering to Him. You are saying, “Father, I give this all to You because I know You care for me.” As you close your box and walk away, you are leaving your burdens right where they belong – in the care of God. Let your special box be a reminder to you of God’s faithfulness and desire to carry and care for your burdens.

The Lord is your helper. He will never leave you nor forsake you. God loves you so much that He gave His only Son, Jesus, to take your place so that you can have complete forgiveness of your sins. His final work on the cross was paid for you to be free. “It is finished!” Ladies, let’s lay our burdens where they belong, in the loving arms of our capable Lord!

Michelle Green

Prayer Coordinator,

Ft. Bragg, NC

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Journey of Transformation, Part 29 (The End)

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Sep 022010

It’s a Wrap!

This is the final installment of Life Happens – Jesus Answers and “Journey of Transformation.” God is bringing changes to the PWOCI blog so it is time to say goodbye. Change is good when it’s God directed and I trust that He has many blessings in store for us as we Shine in the Light of His Glory.

To begin, I’m including the final paragraph from the July 1, 2010, entry for context:

By September 2002 my health disaster was out of control. Clearly, there was more than lupus ravaging my body. The time had come to take my health care to the next level. I needed answers and I needed them fast. Fortunately, God had an awesome rheumatologist waiting in the wings.

By October 2002 I was wheelchair bound. I needed assistance with eating, bathing, dressing and walking. I was carried up and down stairs. I was bedridden. The excruciating pain, weakness, and burning in my arms prevented me from using them except for balance. The slightest exertion exhausted me. Infected ulcers burrowed to the bone on my elbows. This was a new level of torment.

By the grace of God I landed in the office of Dr. Michael Baker and my search for genuine help was over. I slumped in the rented wheelchair, head adorned with a ball cap covering my unsightly mane, and tears streaking my red, swollen, disfigured face. Both Dr. Baker and my husband carefully lifted me out of the chair and led me toward the examining table. Not only was I nearly paralyzed, I was breathless from exertion, and virtually lifeless.

After a physical examination, lab tests, and a muscle biopsy, Dr. Baker concluded that I had a form of muscular dystrophy called dermatomyositis. This life-threatening autoimmune disease attacks skin, muscle, and connective tissue – basically, the entire body can be affected. Only a small percentage of lupus was present by comparison. The other autoimmune diseases were Sjogren’s Syndrome, Raynaud’s Syndrome, and hypothyroidism. Treatment was prednisone and intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG) infusions derived from human plasma.

With this new information came the time to update my Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP) data including the fact that I had only a five-percent chance of survival. Without treatment, or if treatment didn’t work, I would have died. Years later while my dad was dying I learned that I could have received hospice care because my diagnosis and prognosis were so critical. This is something more people should know in case they have gravely ill family members who aren’t necessarily terminal.

Once I was officially diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease I became one of “Jerry’s Kids” and received a custom-fit wheelchair compliments of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. I still have it to this day and intend to keep it as a reminder of the depths to which I plummeted and the brink from which God saved me.

In spring 2003 a knowledgeable army dermatologist gave me a remedy for the infected ulcers on my elbows. One part vinegar to one part water. You heard me right. I was so angry to have suffered for eight months with this torture and all I would have had to do was soak my elbows in vinegar and water! Of course, the remedy was just as excruciating as the ulcers themselves. So I took oxycontin an hour before soaking because the burning pain was too much to bear.

By July 2003 the ulcers were gone but they left permanent, hideous scars. I was able to drive by this time and managed to get myself to PWOC. I had to sit during the entire program and went straight home and back to bed after. In March 2004 I was able to discontinue taking prednisone but continued the infusions.

The promise I received from the Holy Spirit back in 2001 about this trial lasting about five years came to pass. From the time I began getting symptoms in January 2000 to the end of 2004 the ordeal was largely over. Five years. After that the recovery process began.

In January 2005 I began weight training for the first time since 2000 and could lift only 10 pounds on the leg extension machine (quadriceps). I’m still working my way up to 90 pounds which is what I lifted before the disease set in. My quadriceps and biceps were the most severely affected muscles in my body.

By May 2005 I no longer needed oxycontin and phenergan for pain and nausea, and I finished the IVIG infusions after 27 months of treatment. It nearly took a miracle for me to receive these costly infusions but God worked it out. By August 2005 my hair had grown back completely. In 2006 I continued serving at my local PWOC.

In October 2007 my rheumatologist declared me cured of dermatomyositis. I stood in front of the PWOC body and gave an impromptu testimony about my healing, and proceeded to cut up the handicapped plaquard once displayed from the rearview mirror of my car. It was an act of faith.

As I recall 1999 when I walked around our Germany apartment praying for God to transform me by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2) I had no idea how He would answer that prayer. I certainly didn’t expect Him to take me down a dark and tangled road. Having endured all this and more, I am convinced we are far better off not knowing the future. Anticipating suffering of this nature would render many of us immobile.

Having persevered and arrived on the other side, I understand why God chose this path for me. It was effective. He used my physical anguish to produce an inward cleansing and strengthening of my heart and soul. As a result, I am free from many old habits, mindsets, and strongholds that kept me from living free in Christ.

There is nothing like a life-threatening illness to get you in a position of dependence, humility, and focus. It creates sober reflection and laser sharp awareness of what really matters in life. The things I thought were important gradually fell away while life itself shone through as the most significant thing of all – that is, eternal life. “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace …”

God taught me many things through my journey of transformation thus far, but rather than sharing some of them in my own words I’ve chosen to let the Word of God speak:

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word (Psalm 119:67).

Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being (Proverbs 20:30).

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation (Psalm 118:13-14).

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).

(More: Romans 12:1-2; 2 Corinthians 12:8-10; Hebrews 12:1-2; Psalm 103:1-5; Psalm 116:1-7; Psalm 119:71, 75, 92, 116-117; Isaiah 40; Isaiah 55:8-9; Isaiah 61:1-4.)

THE JOURNEY ENDS

It’s my hope that this Journey of Transformation has been a testimony of God’s ways, power, love and grace. I pray that the Holy Spirit used this story to encourage, to educate, and to challenge you. Never cower in the face of grave difficulties, but trust in God’s sovereignty, goodness, and mercy even when everything in you cries out against them. Because when Life Happens – Jesus Answers. May Jesus lead you gently through your own Journey of Transformation.

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Journey of Transformation, Part 28

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jul 012010

Another Emergency

Here we were, back in Colorado Springs in the summer of 2002. We temporarily settled into my parents’ townhome while we waited for our renters to move out of our house. Our Chaplain friend delivered the Honda Accord to us a couple weeks later when he arrived to attend the conference at the Air Force Academy.

Spouses are welcomed to attend the conferences, and I wanted to go so badly but couldn’t quite muster the strength. Most of my days were spent in bed or sitting in a chair. I felt less and less like being up and about. I camped out in the guest room most of the time, sleeping intermittently through each day. I remember hearing strange construction-like noises outside, but the window well blocked my view. It was rare for me to leave that room.

The white calcifications on my fingers could no longer be controlled and they developed into nickel–sized ulcers on my knuckles. The ones that erupted on my elbows were particularly excruciating. The burning pain was more than I could bear and I ended up at the Air Force Academy ER as I had months before. This time the ER staff was so puzzled and horrified by what they saw that they took x-rays of my hands to check for soft tissue abnormalities. Nothing showed.

Because the Air Force rheumatologist wasn’t available to assess me, and they didn’t have room to keep me around for hours, the ER staff redirected me to the ER at Fort Carson. I wondered if they thought I had some bizarre contagious disease that could spread to the whole community. They were far more alarmed than I was. I just needed painkillers again.

When I arrived at Fort Carson the ER staff administered morphine and this time I made sure they gave me an anti-nausea medication to go along with it. They probably gave me prednisone too but I don’t remember that. The anti-nausea medication made me feel weird. When I was being discharged from the ER I wasn’t sure if I should leave. Was this feeling going to subside or was it going to worsen?

Upon attempting to leave post my folks and I drove to a gate that was closed. Being 1 a.m. it was dark everywhere and Fort Carson didn’t have many streetlights. We ended up lost in one of the housing areas and I felt so weird I wanted to get home. Finally, we managed to find our way to the main gate which is always open.

We arrived home around 2 a.m. The anti-nausea medication created a strange sensation in my lungs. I was afraid that if I fell asleep I would stop breathing and die. So I stayed awake until the weird feeling subsided.

By September my health disaster was out of control. Clearly, there was more than lupus ravaging my body. The time had come to take my healthcare to the next level. I needed answers and I needed them fast. Fortunately, God had an awesome rheumatologist waiting in the wings.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES . . . IN SEPTEMBER:

During July and August I will be spending concentrated time with the Lord for refreshment and renewal. I appreciate all of you who faithfully read LHJA each week, and I encourage you to join me in September when the journey continues. In the meantime, bask in the warmth of the Son.

____________________________

Life Happens – Jesus Answers is a weekly column addressing the challenges we face in life, coupled with the presence and grace of Jesus, our One True Source of hope and peace. The column’s author, Laura Firtko, can be reached by email here: LifeHappens@pwoc.org

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Journey of Transformation, Part 27

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jun 172010

God Comes Through

The day of departure had arrived. We left the hotel and drove to the Chaplain’s house where our Accord spent the night. God, knowing exactly what we would need long before our move, served up the perfect provision.

And so it goes . . .

A little background: Chaplains are endorsed by various churches or parachurch organizations that provide support and accountability in their roles as Chaplains within the military. Steve and a fellow Chaplain at Fort Campbell happened to share the same endorser. This endorser, located in South Carolina, was holding its annual conference in Colorado Springs at the Air Force Academy. Our Chaplain friend was planning to attend that conference.

Where were Steve and I headed for our compassionate PCS? Colorado Springs. And our house, which had been rented, was a mere 15-minute drive from the Academy. As it turns out, our Chaplain buddy was glad to drive our Honda Accord to Colorado Springs since he was going there anyway. We paid for his expenses and he flew back after the conference as he had originally planned. This couldn’t have worked out more perfectly for us. And, as an additional point of interest, since that conference in the summer of 2002, the endorser hasn’t held any out west.

I find all this very interesting. None of it was coincidental. It reminds me that I never have a valid reason to fret or worry. God has everything worked out in advance. He knows what I really need when I really need it and delivers it right on time.

Back to the story. My memories tend to be sketchy, but for some reason certain moments in time remain etched in my brain. I clearly remember sitting in the passenger seat of our Honda Pilot (we had traded in the Plymouth Voyager minivan for the Pilot), the door was open, and our Chaplain friend’s wife came over to the car and spoke words of encouragement to me. I was so weak, tired, and miserable that I barely responded. I nodded once, turned my head to face forward, and she closed the door. I hoped she didn’t see me as rude or indifferent but rather desperately ill.

I don’t remember the drive home other than it being long. It was the longest ride of my life. When we pulled into my parents’ driveway they were glad to see me but I just wanted to hit the sack.

The subsequent months would prove agonizing but informative. I finally would get the accurate and complete diagnosis I’d longed for.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

In a quest to develop my faith I make an effort to notice the things God does for me that I can’t do for myself. I also pay attention to His creation more. Many of us allow ourselves to get so busy that we lose sight of the beauty around us and, in effect, we lose sight of God.

This summer I’m going to pay closer attention to the birds swirling around my deck. I’m going to listen to their songs and watch the clouds float by. I’m going to breathe the fresh air and let God speak to me through His creation. I’m going to embrace a new appreciation for the obvious, yet often dismissed, blessings in my world.

This summer take time to sit. Look. Listen. Enjoy the blessings that surround you and thank God.

____________________________

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Journey of Transformation, Part 26

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jun 102010

A Final Word

A couple weeks before our move to Colorado Springs, Steve preached his last sermon. It was one I had written that he tweaked to make his own, “The Hands and Feet of Ministry.”

I felt compelled to write it in response to my deep heartache over the lack of concern and compassion I’d experienced from fellow Chaplain spouses and others at Fort Campbell. For the first time in my life I was desperate, helpless, and almost hopeless. Yet, despite my plight being widely known, few people provided real help or even offered to pray with me. I felt abandoned by the body of Christ.

As I sat in the front row of that chapel and glanced around to check facial expressions, no one seemed the wiser. The message was well received. Truth be told, many people who needed to hear it didn’t attend that chapel.

Even though I had written the sermon from a place of pain there was no indication of that. It wasn’t about me and my story and no specifics were given. It was delivered from a heart of love and concern. It simply was a message that needed to be shared. And it could be shared again today – with all of us.

As the service progressed, one of the chosen hymns was “Showers of Blessing.” In light of our compassionate early PCS I felt blessed to be headed back to Fort Carson. But I needed more. I felt as though all I had experienced up to that point were trickles, drizzles, and drops of blessings. I wanted the SHOWERS!

As the days passed, my strength and energy ebbed away. I felt less human each week. I was more like a catatonic zombie. Being alive was too much trouble. My facial expressions were dull and lifeless. Sometimes I forced a smile or a short response out of consideration for the person present, but it got to the point where I was too weak to care. I just wanted to go home.

The day before our departure Steve drove our Plymouth Voyager minivan and I drove our Honda Accord to post. The 20-minute drive was all I could stand. A new level of listlessness and lethargy consumed me. We left the Accord at a Chaplain’s house overnight and stayed in a hotel.

I lay on the bed in our hotel room perplexed by the burning sensations in my legs. It felt like little fires beneath my skin. I had no painkillers. It didn’t occur to me to take prednisone for pain. I thought that was for other problems. And I didn’t want to subject myself to it again anyway. I’d have to be dying.

I wasn’t in any condition to go anywhere so Steve walked across the street to get a McDonald’s meal and he grabbed a sundae to go along with it. The ice cream temporarily soothed my emotions but it did nothing to douse the fires in my legs.

I dug through my bag and found some ibuprofen that took the edge off the burn so I could sleep. There was no way I could drive to Colorado the next day. It’s a good thing God had that little detail worked out well in advance.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

How often do we pass by a sister in need – even when we’re aware of her situation? I wonder how often I’ve done that. I hope not often. Of course, not every person can respond to every need, and certain ministry assignments are intended for certain Christians.

But I think that sometimes we refrain from helping others because we’re afraid of getting involved. We’re afraid it will require too much time or effort. Maybe we’re afraid we’ll catch their disease, or mysteriously end up with their problem. Maybe we’re so committed to “good” things that we “don’t have time” to reach out when a serious need exists. I suspect we assume other people are helping so we don’t need to.

There usually is a core group of helpers. Perhaps each of us needs to ask the Lord what our role is in the realm of helping sisters in need. Then follow through on what He says. In doing so we can be sure we’re involved where we need to be. We can avoid feeling guilty if we are instructed to refrain. We can avoid helping out of obligation. And we can maintain balance and boundaries in our own lives. The most important thing we can do is obey God’s call.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him (Colossians 3:17).

____________________________

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Journey of Transformation, Part 25

Jesus Answers, Life Happens, Life Happens Jesus Answers, Real life stories, Testimonies

Jun 042010

Alterations

On Easter Sunday in 2002 I sat at the dining room table in front of my makeup mirror. This was the first time in months that I bothered to apply makeup and the lighting revealed changes in my skin. The texture was no longer smooth and the pores were huge. It looked acne prone but no acne was present. And if that wasn’t enough, I had a beard — a thin layer of light hair or “peach fuzz” outlining my face.

That’s a steroid for ya. It turns men into women and women into men.

I was the unfortunate recipient of prednisone side effects. I’d been using the drug for six months and that was enough to cause damage. As was the case when I discovered bald spots on the back of my head on Steve’s birthday, I tried to make myself look pretty. I felt altered. It took herculean effort to muster a good attitude. I forced a smile at chapel but inside I grieved. Of course, no one else knew the difference, but no one else had my face. I hoped these changes would be reversed if I quit taking prednisone. (I will go ahead and tell you now they never were. Physical changes from prednisone usually are permanent.)

In the meantime I continued my supplement regimen hoping that it would be strong enough to hold off the disease process. But soon my hopes would be dashed. One day in the bathroom I looked down at my legs. They were covered with red-purple blotches. It looked like my blood was trying to escape. Along with this horrifying discovery came irritated elbows and knuckles. Red streaks lined my fingers. An excruciating blend of weakness, pain, and burning attacked my upper arms.

These alarming new developments prompted me to contact Tricare to see if I could get a different rheumatologist closer to Clarksville. They accommodated my request and I managed to get an appointment scheduled for June.

By the time June rolled around my condition deteriorated. Every activity was a chore. I was so listless that even holding my Bible was hard. I didn’t want to listen to the radio. Didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to watch TV. I lay there staring at the ceiling praying to God in my mind, “Lord, I’m too weary to move my lips. Read my heart.”

It wasn’t long before someone recognized the severity of my health. Steve got word that we were being sent back to Fort Carson. It was sort of a compassionate reassignment without the official title. It really was more of a compassionate early PCS. Under normal conditions we would have remained at Fort Campbell for another 6-12 months. God orchestrated this move and had the Army send us back to where I had family and access to better specialists.

Because we only had a month before moving I canceled my appointment with the rheumatologist. What was the point of getting started with a new doctor when I was leaving? I was ready to move on, ready to get back home.

God came through with provisions for our move. It was obvious he had everything worked out ahead of time. Again I would see Him acting on my behalf. Yet, I sense a question circulating, “Why did He allow this to happen to you in the first place?” That question would be answered in months to come.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:

“Why?” It’s a question we find ourselves asking at times, especially when something horrible happens that seems to have no valid purpose or reason. I like to have answers. I like information. I try to figure things out. I need to know that somehow God will replace my ashes with beauty, my grief with joy (Isaiah 61:3).

What I’ve come to accept is that God will always be incomprehensible. God has a plan that involves the universe and I’m a microscopic part of that. God’s plan is something so massive and astounding that I wouldn’t understand it even if He tried to explain it to me. When I get outside myself and acknowledge the fact that life involves things much bigger than me, and recognize that God is God and that He has eternity in mind, my perspective becomes a little clearer.

All I can do is throw myself at His feet in surrender and trust that He will make all the suffering worthwhile. . . . He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end . . . (Eccles. 3:1-9).

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Three Steps to Getting Rid of My Inner Wimp

Sanity in a Three-Ring Binder…Priceless!

“I Am Worn Out”

God Is Moving In Japan

Our Burden Bearer

Journey of Transformation, Part 29 (The End)

It’s a Wrap!

Journey of Transformation, Part 28

Another Emergency

Journey of Transformation, Part 27

God Comes Through

Journey of Transformation, Part 26

A Final Word

Journey of Transformation, Part 25

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